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Joie suggested we take some days to go back to the Lodge Lake trailhead, to capture some of the foliage. I sketched numerous scenes that I would later transfer to pastels. Within another week, I had several large pastels hanging in the windows and traffic picked up. I still wasn't sleeping well, because I'd only made a few sales of other people's work.
One morning when I awoke, I was suckling at Joie's teat like a baby. I'd latched on fully and when my eyes fluttered open, I saw her gazing down at me. My face must have turned bright red because when I attempted to pull away she pulled me back into her breast, so that my lips were just touching the stiff nipple.
"Please don't stop. That was so comforting."
I wasn't sure how to react. It was something I'd done one of the few times Emma had allowed me to sleep with her. It seemed very natural to me, but I carried some shame about that mommy-play we'd done. It excited me, but there was still some taboo attached to it for me.
Seeming to sense the question in my eyes, she asked, "Does baby want mommy's titty?"
I don't know if I had an erection before, but the blood coursing through me pounded in my ears and prevented me from hearing my own answer of, "Yesss."
My eyes flashed wide and longingly as I latched back onto her. She held me gently but soon found the huge erection that was poking her beneath the sheet. Small adjustments in our positions allowed us to couple in this odd sidelong encounter. When I was reaching the point of no return, I detached from her breast and asked, "Mother may I cum."
I guess they didn't have the game in France or at least not the same game, but her reply was simple and exciting, "Yes, child, come inside mommy." It was a fait accompli. My strokes sharpened and Joie's orgasm had her alternating between, "Keep going - don't stop" and "oh god - no more."
As we rested in our post climatic glow, I needed to know that she was alright with this type of play, so I asked, "Was that alright? If you don't like that, we don't -"
"My sweet young man. It was lovely. Don't be ashamed of such play."
"You liked it then?"
"You can have mommy whenever you desire."
One day in June, I came home early from the studio. I'd sold one of my own pieces for a record amount and had closed up early. That thought vanished, when I found Joie on the bed crying. Initially, there was no consoling her. I couldn't even get what'd happened for the longest time. There was nothing to do but hold her and tell her how much I loved her.
I would have done anything within my power to return to her the happiness that she brought me. Seeing her saddened like this tore at my heart and made me feel helpless. I ran my fingers through her long straight hair and down her back until the sobs became jagged sighs from being cried out. I waited for her to speak and just prepared myself to help however, I could whenever she was able to tell me.
Finally, she spoke, "I - I lost - it - I'm so - so sorry." She stroked my cheek and continued as she shook her head sadly, "I - lost - our - baby."
I was floored. I didn't think that was even possible. A baby? Us? I wanted her to have a child if that's what she wanted, but it wasn't necessary to make our relationship work. It was already working and she'd told me she was barren. She could see the confusion in my face and put her hands on either side of it.
"I'm sorry Paul, I should have told you what I was doing, but I wanted to surprise you. And now it's gone. It's gone and I've failed you." She continued sobbing and pleading with God, "Why God, why am I to be punished? I've been good to two men that I loved. Why shouldn't this lovely man have a child?"
"Joie, honey. Please, don't blame yourself or God. I love you! You told me you couldn't have children and I am okay with that."
"I took hormones to make me ovulate and it worked, but I'm messed up inside. The doctor said it was a long shot, but I wanted to believe it would happen for you. It never happened to me before but it happened for you. When I missed my time of the month, I just got my hopes up that I could be a mommy with you," she began bawling again.
"Please don't cry or be sorry. I wish you could have children, but not for me, for you. I'm perfectly happy with just the two of us, okay? I don't want you obsessing about producing me an heir or endangering your health for me. I could never live with myself if I lost you because of that."
She was silent for a long time and she calmed a great deal. Maybe my words had made sense to her, but the sadness was deep.
When she finally spoke again there was some small joy there, "I love you so much, Paul. I wish I'd met you ten years ago."
"I would have been fourteen," I teased her to try and lighten the mood just a bit.
"Oh, my, that would have been scandalous, I take it back. I've never had any interest in younger men until I met you honestly."
She knew I couldn't quite mirror her statements. I'd always been drawn to the older women, even in high school.
"I'm glad you accepted me with all of my youthful faults."
We fell asleep in one another's arms and I dreamt. Her innocent words had delivered me back to the 'Mother may I' games I'd played with Emma, but in the dream, I was playing with Joie.
After the business was about a year old, it was returning a six figure annual profit. So we hired an excellent young art major graduate to manage the studio. Shortly after joining, she'd signed several new artists that were creating some noise in the art scene to display several pieces. Suddenly our monthly gross was six figures with projections of a seven figure annual. Things couldn't be going better and Joie decided that we should travel now.
Our trip to Greece which had been canceled due to work was now a reality due to our success. We spent the entire month of August right on the beach of one of the Greek isles and traveled around exploring. Everything about the trip was perfect; it was like a second honeymoon really. Our room was in a little villa that was right on a beautiful white sandy beach. It'd been one of Joie's lifelong desires to go there and she was like a youthful explorer on some type of mission to discover as much as we could squeeze into the time we had there. In the evenings, we would come back, eat a light dinner, and then play in the gentle waves of the Aegean.
The last several days of the trip, we finally took it easy and had a vacation from our vacation. We slept in and awoke to the soft sounds of the sea and birds there. There was soft unhurried sex and loving each night. Joie seemed so at ease with everything, it was the thing we'd both been needing. Life was good and we enjoyed every moment we were together.
Shortly after we'd celebrated our fourth anniversary, we got a call from an attorney in Boston. Joie's mother had passed, we'd just seen her at Christmas and she'd been doing fine. So, the news left her in a slightly depressed state. Although classes were starting at the university, we needed to go there and deal with the funeral and her estate. Our art studio was doing really well. I'd been commissioned to do some nudes for women that Joie had shown her portrait. I'd sold those and several other pieces for what I considered and extravagant amount of money. So, I suggested to Joie that she take a leave of absence or sabbatical, while we dealt with this. To my surprise, she put in her notice.
When we arrived at the attorney's office, we discovered that Joie's mom had left her a fairly large inheritance. I wasn't really certain how she'd accumulated the wealth, but she left Joie her house, in an upscale part of town, a large amount of stock and her old Lincoln which she almost never drove. The whole thing took a few months. There were only a handful of items in the house that Joie wanted shipped back to Seattle, the rest was auctioned. Joie, didn't know where much of it had come from and only wanted to keep family items that would easily fit into our house. We finally got all the papers done and sold the estate by the end of May.
After we finished, Joie suggested that we go and visit Emma. When I called ahead, to make sure it'd be okay, Emma was very excited to have us. The folks had completely moved out and she was alone doing all of the work. We hadn't communicated much over the past couple years. There'd been a few letters and we exchanged Christmas gifts but that had been the extent of it.
Emma convinced Joie to stay for a couple of weeks and she put us up in her old room upstairs, since she'd moved down into the addition. She'd had the house revamped with air conditioning, so it wasn't hot like I'd remembered that summer five years ago. It was really a nice and relaxing visit. We swam in the lake (in our shorts) and simply enjoyed the slower pace of the countryside. It was a real vacation, with no deadlines and no pressure. The two of them seemed to get along very well in spite of or perhaps because of our history together.
One day I was sent on some errands in town. At the time, I hadn't paid much thought to it, but looking back it was probably a ploy, so that they could talk. When I arrived back, Joie informed me that we would be paying off the rest of Emma's loan. It felt odd and I didn't understand it; I was really happy that they got along, but this wasn't anything I'd expected. I'd sent Emma some money after the art business took off to help with implementing some of the ideas I'd given her to push into niche markets. But this was something different.
On our last day there, Joie tried to give Emma the Lincoln. Emma didn't want it and Joie compromised, telling her, "Okay how about you give us a ride to the airport and you keep it working for us until the next time we visit?"
"Okay, you've got a deal!"
At the airport, we all exchanged hugs and kisses. We said our good-byes and invited one another to visit.
On the flight back to Seattle, Joie told me, "She's a very nice lady, your sister."
"I'm so glad you get along. I wish all of our family got along as well as you two do."
"Families are a funny thing. There's always room for more love in the world."
After arriving home, things got back to normal for a while, but Joie got a travel bug and we started out hitting all of the places I'd ever imagined going and a couple I hadn't. We went to Paris to see where she'd been born and then the Alps for another ski experience. When we came home, we went back to the lodge and had a real reenactment of our honeymoon. We took consecutive trips to Australia, China and Russia. At the end of these, I could see there was something going on with Joie and I brought it up one evening after a long session of lovemaking.
"Joie, is everything okay; you seem tired lately?"
"Paul - sweetie - I'm dying."
"What?!"
"I'm sorry, I've kept this from you. I found out right before mom died."
"No! You can't! This isn't what's supposed to happen," I said grabbing and hugging her tightly.
The tears came like water from a faucet. The universe was playing another trick on us, but this one wasn't nice like the last time. This time it set wheels into motion to take us apart and it wasn't what was supposed to happen. We were meant to be together, it'd been our destiny.
"There's nothing that can be done. The female issues I had, have returned and now it's in my blood."
"But I love you. I love you so much."
"I love you too - I love you with all my heart. I've delayed telling you until the time was getting short. I didn't want you to suffer this whole time. I wanted to celebrate our life together and we still have a little time before I become too ill."
It was too much. I held her and cried. Much of it was self-pity, but we'd had such a short time together. We lay in bed the rest of that day taking turns crying and consoling one another.
The next morning we decided that we would take our last trip together to our favorite place we'd visited, Greece. I got us tickets and we were on the next flight with almost no luggage. We stayed in the same villa and the owners remembered us from our first visit. They loved Joie and treated her like royalty for the entire stay. We woke as we liked sunned and swam in the Aegean each day. The fresh seafood and authentic local cooking were just the thing for her.
The morning of our fifth day, I could hear water lapping at the shore outside. Joie was snuggled into my chest. We'd been enjoying each other so much on this trip. Everything was relaxed and unrushed. She pulled me from the bed and we went together nude to the water to bathe in the shallows. We huddled together there basking in the sun for the longest time.
I was holding her, with the water lapping gently against us, when she said, "When I go, I think I'd like my ashes, spread near Snoqualmie Pass; you know the place?"
"Yes, I know exactly. Do we have to talk about that now?"
"It's going to be soon," she said softly.
"Do we need to leave?"
"No, I think this will be a nice place to go."
I could sense her strength going. I don't know how she'd kept up the pace or how she knew it was coming. She started to tremble and I took her into my arms and kissed her as the tears ran down my face onto hers and into the salty water.
She looked up at me and touched my face, "Please, don't stay alone; find someone to share your love with Paul."
That was the worst day of my life. She passed in my arms laying in the Aegean Sea. There were no words that would adequately describe my loss.
The aftermath was less complicated than I would have expected. The owners of the villa had been informed beforehand. She'd left instructions with her mother's lawyer to have all the legal paperwork sent to make sure I would have no trouble with handling of the body. She must have known she wouldn't make it home.
They shipped her home and I had her cremated. My life was in a fog. If there was a God, I was currently not feeling it. Joie, had left a letter with the lawyer as well as her last will and testament. She knew I'd sell the house but wanted me to keep some mementos of our time together and anything that might remind me of her. I mindlessly packed items into a storage container and had an auction for the rest. I sold the studio to Marcie, the young manager. I didn't know if I'd ever produce another work, but promised her that if I did, I would let her handle my sales. I shipped the container to Emma and sent her some extra money to keep it for me until I was done with my trek. I sent her a copy of the map I was following and told her I'd write along the way.
About a week after I sold the house, I finally went to retrieve the ashes. They'd held them for me as I finished all of these preparations. I gave Joie's car to charity and took a taxi to the airport. What I'd decided the day she left me there in Greece was that I wouldn't just sprinkle her ashes at Lodge Lake near Snoqualmie Pass, but I would spread them the entire length of the Pacific Crest Trail to that end point.
Joie and I had discussed attempting it a couple of times, but she'd always said she was too old. I never bought that excuse and now that I knew the real reason, I was determined to take her with me as I did it. No, it wasn't going to be an attempt at doing it, I was going to do it. And I would say my final good-byes to her at the end.
I'd sent myself packages ahead along the way with supplies and an eclectic collection of books. They were all banned for one reason or another, but I felt if I were to burn some books, for fuel or to get a fire started, they would be the ones to use. I would read them as I traveled and burn the used pages.
When I arrived in Campo CA, I caught bus #894 to El Cajon and started my hike. I wasn't out to break any records or prove anything to anyone. I'd make this trek with my soulmate or die trying. Adjusting to the dry climate on the first part of the trip was the hardest part I encountered. I left the trail to get water and resupplies where I could. Some days I went without food, but rarely without water.
About a month into my hike of self-pity or hike of despair, as I was calling it, I began to see Joie in my sleep. She'd been gone for so long and I longed to see her with all of my heart. I dreamt about both trips to Greece and by the middle of July, I had my metanoia, when the dreams changed.
I'd just gotten a care package from Emma at one of the same stations along the trail that I'd shipped myself a package. She'd sent me a book and a note wishing me well and telling me to be careful. That night I dreamed the dream I'd had so long ago, but it happened in reverse. It started with Joie on our first trip to Greece and somewhere during that last leisurely week, she'd turned into Emma. Then the dream repeated on numerous nights. One morning I awoke immobile with the mourning for my wife mixed with longing for my sister. There were several days that I was stuck in this cycle of guilty love.
Another hiker came upon my camp and brought me back from the edge. I hadn't eaten anything for a couple days and although I had water, I hadn't taken any. If he hadn't of come along when he had, I would probably have died there. The universe was telling me to move on and I took the nudge I'd been given to hike every day.
The last day of my travels, I awoke to rain. It wasn't a downpour, but the sound of it hitting the tent roused me from my slumber. The ground was softer here than it had been at previous sites. I waited for it to lighten up, but it never did, so eventually I motivated myself to get up and fix some breakfast. Rations were running pretty low, all I had left were packages of oatmeal. With the little burner, I had the water I'd collected from the rain boiling in just a few minutes. I ate my gruel sitting just inside the tent, but it was just delaying the soaking I was about to get. There had been days that I'd not walked due to rain, but they hadn't been this close to the end.
When I finished eating, I packed all my gear, loaded up my backpack and got out on the trail. I didn't pass a soul as I headed toward the finish. Newcomers had stopped appearing sometime in September. I'd see an occasional group that was doing a day hike from their locale, but PCT starts had dropped off. I hiked my last steps on the trail around 2:00 PM. That was when I came upon the Lodge Lake Trailhead end point that'd inspired me to even want to make the trip. Joy and I had been skiing near there a couple times and we'd hiked on this part of the trail many times. Now, seeing the sights brought memories of her flooding back into my mind.
Tears ran down my face as I approached the Visitor Center and I could feel people looking at me. A nice couple that were having a late lunch picnic invited me to have a sandwich with them. I accepted that and the ride back to Seattle that they offered me. Sitting in the back of their pickup truck with my backpack I could hardly believe it was over as they dropped me off near the Post Office on 4th Avenue. I thanked them for the generosity and headed inside before they closed.
Inside I dialed the combination to my PO Box and pulled a small wad of rubber-band wrapped items that contained three pickup slips. At the service counter, they had a small bin of letters and two packages. One I'd sent to myself, the other appeared to be from Emma. I knew what was inside mine, but I wondered what Emma might have sent. She'd sent a couple of care packages to stops along my route, but I hadn't really expected anything at the end. I moved to a remote counter and opened her box. Inside I found a copy of 'Flowers in the Attic' by V. C. Andrews. It was a book I'd had on my list of banned books to read, but hadn't gotten for some reason. Opening the front cover, I found a note from Emma 'Come see me, turn to page 100'. Turning to that page, I found an open-ended ticket and a crisp hundred-dollar bill. I had plenty of money and probably even had enough miles to have gotten one for myself, but having her send me that made me smile. There were butterflies in my stomach as I thought about that summer so long ago.
