The Mathematics of Love

From the first time I'd heard her voice I was intrigued; it was so soft, musical and her speech so precise.

Jolted out of my Carenza reverie I must have sounded as stupid as my father thought me to be when I said, "I...er...well at the moment I can...but when school starts it'll be..."

She put me out of my misery.

"While the school and college are closed for the vacation we could get together during the day; once that ends how would Tuesday and Friday evenings suit you?"

"Oh...er...yes...that would...er...suit...yes..."

"Can I see your exercise books?"

Mother had told me that Carenza had asked her to tell me to bring my more recent maths exercise books so she could assess my work.

I thought of all those red crosses beside my calculations and would much rather have not let her see them, but needs must.

I handed them over and she began turning the pages with me unable to look at her. As she finished she placed the books on the desk and said, "Your mother told me you've had a lot of school changes."

"Yes, about fourteen since I started at age five."

"I see, so that means you spent an average of..."

I knew the answer to that one, "Just over eight months in each school."

"Ah, so you know how to find an average?"

"Do I?"

"Yes, you've just worked one out."

"Oh."

"There are some subjects you are good at?"

"Er...English and history and I'm not bad at geography."

"Mmm, I see. You know Robin mathematics is a cumulative subject, or at least it is until you get into higher mathematics. If in the early stages you miss a step or several steps it can be very difficult to catch up. I think that is what has happened to you."

"Is it...yes, I suppose you're right."

I remembered all those school changes and how the many classes I'd attended were doing different things in mathematics that I couldn't comprehend.

"What I propose doing, Robin, is to take you back very close to where you began and work forward from there. It will be a step at a time and if we work at it during the rest of the vacation you should be well advanced by the time you go back to school. I suggest two hours everyday, will that suit you?"

"We'll be going away for two weeks just after Christmas," I replied, "but before then and after..."

"Good...good; that will give us four...no five weeks."

"Yes...er...my father wants to know how much you charge for..."

She laughed and said, "Payment by results. If you pass maths at the end of the year your father can pay me one dollar; if you fail I shall pay him one dollar."

"But that's not fair," I protested, "your time and..."

"Ah, but I have not finished Robin. For payment how would it be if you worked two hours every week in my garden; you look like a strong boy and I find some tasks too heavy for me, so if..."

"Yes...yes, that'll be okay," I replied, "by the way, when you said you'd coach me two hours every day during the vacation, does that include Saturdays and Sundays?"

She laughed and said, "You like the contract to be clear. I suggest on Saturdays you give me the two hours gardening, and Sundays we can both rest from our labours."

I was doing some rapid mental calculations to see how my current beloved called "Esmerelda" could be fitted in to the schedule, and as it seemed to be okay I said, "Yes. That'll be fine, er...what shall I call you, Miss, Ms or..."

"I think Carenza will be all right," she smiled.

"Ah yes...er..."

"And I think we shall do no more today, we can make a start tomorrow, shall we say, at ten o'clock?"

"Yes, I'll be here."

* * * * * * * *

And so my coaching began, and as Carenza had said, she took me right back to the start with addition, subtraction and so on. This didn't last long because I'd at least mastered that. We got to fractions, decimals, percentages and averages. The latter I already knew how to do, but I have no idea why I knew.

Pamela had been right about Carenza being a wonderful teacher. She seemed to breathe life into what I'd always seen as a dry subject. Figures and their calculation were no longer dead things on a page, with Carenza they seemed to come to life.

I got a double excitement being with Carenza. The first was that with her step by step approach I began to gain confidence in dealing with maths. The second was being near her.

The vacation over Tuesday and Friday evenings became my time for being coached, plus Saturday afternoons in her garden. As the weeks extended into months there grew up between us a friendship that bordered on affection. I shan't try to justify myself, but simply say that I had sexual feelings for her, but then so did the college guys if Pamela was right, and at a guess, so did most of the men in the avenue.

It seemed that Carenza had no close friends and it became clear to me that I was rapidly becoming such a friend when at the end of one coaching session she asked me if would go with her to see a play called "The Dresser."

Going to see plays had never interested me, but going to see a play with Carenza certainly did interest me. Actually I quite enjoyed the performance.

I think it was during that last year at high school I began to slough off the last remnants of childhood and maturity approached.

Other evenings out with Carenza followed the first, but despite the growing intimacy between us I still knew nothing of her background; where she was from and why she had come to Australia.

I might of course have asked her outright, but somehow there seemed to a line drawn that was not to be crossed. I decided that if she wanted me to know she would tell me, and in the meantime I would enjoy what I had of her.

As a result of the coaching I had a moment of high triumph around the middle of the year. Our maths teacher was demonstrating a problem on the board. He finished with a flourish and I was able to call out, "That's wrong, sir."

"Perhaps Mr. Makin would care to step up to the board and demonstrate where I have made an error," he said sarcastically.

I stepped up as invited and commenced going through the calculation until I came to where he had gone wrong; I underlined it and walked away.

The teacher's face resembled a thundercloud, but he managed to croak, "I...er...I seem to have made an error."

The rest of the year was not very comfortable for me in that class, but he couldn't fault my maths.

As the term reports came in my parents, especially my father, were amazed. Of course father had to find something to complain about and he grumbled about why if I could do this now, why hadn't I done it before?

I didn't bother to point out that the excellent Carenza coaching had brought my success about since he must already have known that.

In the meantime my friendship with Carenza grew and we were past the point of Tuesday, Friday and Saturday. I felt free to drop in on her any time, although I usually had some excuse for doing so, like a maths problem I needed help with or to borrow a book from her excellent library. She even had me running with her in the mornings.

For good or ill I started to lose touch with many of my peers, although I still kept in contact with Isabel (sorry, I forgot to mention that Esmerelda had slipped into my past, mainly because Isabel's parents didn't mind us using her bed to copulate on).

* * * * * * * *

Carenza came to loom ever larger on my horizon. Often there are women or girls you think quite attractive when you first meet them, but after a while you begin to see the blemishes. With Carenza it was otherwise. The more I saw of her the more alluring she became and this often meant an uncomfortable time in her presence trying to hide the erections she inspired.

Frankly, I was in love, hopelessly, deliriously in love. Of course I'd been in love before, or thought I'd I was in love, but it had never been as it was with Carenza.

Being in love might have meant that I was unable to concentrate on my school work, but in fact it had the opposite effect; I wanted to please Carenza; she inspired me to work harder.

The upshot was that with her coaching and my hard work, at the end of the year I not only passed in maths, I passed victoriously, or almost. There was a guy in the class who came out a couple of points ahead of me.

But maths wasn't my only triumph. My morale having been given a boost by success in maths, my other subjects improved as well; the result being I had no difficulty in gaining a place in the University School of Engineering.

My mother tormented my father with her, "I told you so," while my father went around muttering, "I wouldn't have believed it...I wouldn't have bloody well believed it, not in a million years."

Carenza joined in the festivities that followed my success, actually attending a barbeque held to celebrate my triumph. It was her first known attendance at an avenue social gathering and in front of everybody she gave me a kiss on the cheek. It was the first deliberate physical contact we'd had, and although it might not seem like much, I still treasure that moment.

Incidentally, my father paid her the one dollar she had asked for.

The evening was marred a little for me because I could see how the men wanted to get close to Carenza and the green eyed monster jealousy crept in. I suppose I wasn't the only one, and I think a number of men got a roasting from their wives later that night.

Around ten o'clock when the gathering was breaking up Carenza came to me and said, "Would you come with me to the cottage for a few minutes?"

I'd have gone with Carenza if she asked me to accompany her to the South Pole. In the room that had been the scene of so much coaching she handed me a black case, and on opening it I saw velvet lining and set neatly in it, the most beautiful drawing instruments I had ever seen.

"You will need these," she said.

I hardly knew what to say. I managed to stutter, "I...it...it was...not me...it was you who...these must have cost...I should have given you..."

"Why do you talk of cost, Robin? So many people talk of that. I give my dear friend a gift of love, so you may embrace and kiss me if you wish."

Yes I wished. I hugged and kissed her, hardly believing that I had been invited to do so.

I thanked her volubly pouring out my gratitude for her having virtually turned my life around. I would have said much more, but I didn't dare.

You see, I'd given myself no chance with Carenza. She was older than me by thirteen or fourteen years. It would have made no difference to me, but I had told myself that if ever she did want to enter into a deep relationship, it would be with someone of maturity and with an intelligence to match her own.

Yet she had said I was her "dear friend," and her gift was one of love. Why did I not understand her words then?

I wanted to tell her how I felt about her -- to pour out my feelings for her that by then went beyond the sexual. Why was I so craven? Perhaps I was not as mature as I liked to think I was.

I began the university course. I had feared that my contact with Carenza might end at that point, but as I got into the mathematics of engineering I still resorted to her for help. It was only then I really began to appreciate just how good a mathematician she was. Nothing mathematical seemed to be beyond the range of her ability.

The first year at university went well. I'd like to boast that I came top of my year, but I didn't, but I was close enough to realise finally that I wasn't the moron my father once thought I was.

I got into my stride in the second year and was seeing even more of Carenza. Her presence in my life was having a detrimental effect on my relationship with Janise -- Isabel was history, she having decided she was a lesbian.

My problem was that I sometimes had difficulty coming into Janise, and when I did it was only because I fantasised her to be Carenza. As people say, "I'd got it bad." This love business when it is unrequited can be very painful.

* * * * * * * *

Then in the midst of second year disaster struck. My father announced that he had received another promotion. It was a promotion that would take him to one of the eastern states. Mother told him we couldn't go. The reason was my university course which, she said, was not going to be disrupted like my schooling had been disrupted.

My father argued that this would be his last chance for a top position and that he was going. The arguments raged back and forth and loyal mother said she was staying here with me.

Divorce loomed so I stepped in. I said I would be all right on my own, that I was a big boy now and could look after myself. Father pointed out that I couldn't stay in the house because it would have to be sold to raise the money for a place in the new location.

Quite apart from the disruption to my studies the really black cloud was separation from Carenza. I don't know what I imagined the future would be, how one day I would probably have to depart from Carenza's life, but to be without her at that time was a devastating thought.

I had confided in Carenza a great deal, telling her things about my life and how I thought about it -- things I would never tell anyone else. So it was to Carenza I resorted then, telling her how I felt, but without too much dramatics.

When I finished she said, "We have come to mean much to each other, have we not, Robin?"

There was the opening. Why didn't I tell her then how I felt about her? What a coward I must have been! I think that I feared how she might react if I told her the depths of my feelings for her. She might break off our relationship.

So I simply said, "Yes, we have come to mean much to each other."

Nothing further was said about the matter at that time, but Carenza looked thoughtful.

It was three days later that my mother took me aside.

"You've spoken to Carenza about the move."

"Yes, that was okay wasn't it?"

"Yes of course it was, but she's come up with an idea."

"Yes?"

"She says that if it is necessary for you to stay here then she has a spare bedroom. How would you feel about living with her?"

How would I feel! The world suddenly became unsteady, it was moving under my feet and the walls of the room wouldn't keep still.

"Robin, are you all right?"

"W-what...oh...oh yes I'm fine."

"You wouldn't mind staying with Carenza, would you? I mean you seem to have become such good friends."

"No...no...I wouldn't mind staying with her."

"Are you sure you're all right Robin, you look quite pale?"

"I'm fine...perfectly okay."

"I told Carenza I'd speak to you about it, and you'd go and tell her if you decided to accept her offer."

"Yes...right...now...I'll go now."

I think mother was saying, "There's no need to go now..."

"But I was gone before I heard the end of what she was saying."

Living with Carenza, lovely, fascinating woman of my dreams, Carenza. "There must be a loving God," I thought.

Thinking of God, I believe at that stage Carenza had become a goddess as far as I was concerned.

Carenza was disappointingly calm when I told her of my decision to stay with her.

"I thought," she said, "that I live here alone and I have room to spare, so why not invite my friend to stay with me."

I tried to play it cool.

"But Carenza, it might mean years, the course is a long one and..."

She shrugged and said, "No matter Robin. If we find we cannot live comfortably together then we can talk and other arrangements could be made, could they not? You are half way through the academic year, so why do we not try until the end of the year?"

Well that settled it, or at least part of it. The other part was selling the house and my parents leaving for far places. Father took off leaving mother behind to settle the house business, and then she left and I moved in with Carenza.

At first I thought I was in a second Garden of Eden. To be so near her, to see and hear her engaged in the ordinary things of daily life-- this I had never imagined happening. But like the first Garden of Eden there was a snake present.

I've often wondered if that snake was some sort of symbolic phallus.

Whatever the case, my phallus was certainly present, and initial bliss soon began to turn into desolation.

I do not wish it to be thought that Carenza was immodest, but living on her own for so long she had been used to getting around the place in any way she felt inclined, and that included panties a bras on some occasions and other garments that exposed more than they covered.

I've often wondered if she knew what she was doing to me. She was Woman; my God she was Woman! Eve in the Garden of Innocence when there was no sin, no guilt. If I was Adam in that garden then I certainly couldn't claim innocence. I had a deep love for Carenza, but that love had an overlay of lust that struggle as I might, I could not suppress.

Strangely, living with her I still knew little more about her at a personal level except that I had found out where she originated from. It was one place that the locals had never thought of, Finland.

I asked her if her name was Finnish, but she shrugged and said, "In Europe so many people now move from place to place. My father was Polish but..." She shrugged again, "Probably the name is Polish, but I do not really know."

When I asked her what had brought her to Australia she said it was an advertisement for maths teachers in a Helsinki newspaper she had seen, and having adequate English she applied and got accepted. It made sense because there was certainly a desperate shortage of teachers in that subject, but I had a feeling there was more too it.

* * * * * * * *

The end of the academic year, and again I came through successfully, but that damned guy Trevor Graves came out in front of me again.

The time had come for Carenza and me to review our relationship and whether or not I was to continue living with her.

In one sense we had got on well together. I suppose my mother had trained me well so that without really thinking about it I did my share of work round the place. Looked at objectively there was no reason why I shouldn't stay on with Carenza, especially as she didn't seem to have a problem with that.

It was the subjective side that gave me doubts.

As you can imagine, living in close proximity with someone I was in love with; seeing her constantly and desiring her as I did, was rather like living in a state of torment. It was a bit like some poor sod in a prison cell dying of thirst with a flagon of water outside the cell just beyond his reach. I sometimes wondered if Carenza had any idea how I felt about her, but if she did she never gave any sign of doing so; at least, no signs that I recognised.

I was to spend some part of the long vacation with my parents. Since Carenza had not directly raised the matter of my staying on with her in the coming year I once more played the coward and avoiding the subject my self, went to join my parents with the matter unresolved.

As I left the cottage Carenza said to me, "I shall miss you my dear friend, especially during Christmas."

Her words upset me. I realised that although Carenza knew many people through the college, and, as I had learned, in the church, I was the only person really close to her. Not for the first time I wondered why she cocooned her self in this way and I said I would stay until after Christmas and go to my parents in the New Year.

Carenza would not hear of this, telling me "You have a duty to your parents; you must go, but come back as soon as you can." I left the place a very much mixed up young man.

I stayed with my parents for a fortnight and towards the end I still had not decided what I was going to do; continue to go on living with Carenza and put up with the sexual torment, or leave her.

Unexpectedly mother proved to be the catalyst. It was a simple question that opened up the situation in a way I had not anticipated.