Dumpster Fire

Lying alone in the dark
Trying to stop the beating of my heart
Can’t stop thinking about the last twenty
Think it might’ve been nineteen too many
Thinking how sweet you used to be
When I gave you all of me

Never learned how to draw a line
Couldn’t have, even to save my life
When I first stood up to you
You left me bleeding on the bed
Nothing but regret running through my head
Made believe my heart could heal like my flesh
Begging you never to return to that shit

Watch you wade through a sea of others
Confident we’d always find one another
Do as I say not as I do
Seemed to be rule number one with you
And now I hear you’re posting memes
Saying the wicked one was me

You say I bled you dry
And upon you I laid the blame?
Can’t you see that you did exactly the same?
You took my youth,
my beauty,
my strength
Poured in your anger,
Your fear
And shame
Tried to make me smaller
Tried to make me cry
Still so damn charismatic
Every time you lie!

You loved me like no other
Brought me to the edge
Told me it was forever
Spoke of making a pledge
While a collar seemed so sentimental
Seemed to you, it was merely ornamental
My leash of vows holding fast
To me, it was a sacrament
But it only caused me to lament
How long this pain did last

Now you scorn the woman you made me
Called me a slut and shamed me
Forgetting the word, once an endearment
Used to be how you named me
Decry my adventurous heart
Baby, I’m the way that you shaped me
With each and every
Cutting remark

I’m brash and out-spoken
Flame-filled when woken
Not some tiny little spark
Don’t call me your lioness
And then bitch when I make you bleed
Don’t mold me and sculpt me into art
Then loathe all who come to gaze on me

Truth is, you broke me
I just don’t know if I’ll ever trust
I know I left some scars on you
Our golden road
Bleeding red with rust
You said you wished you’d picked me
Had kept me in your arms
But did you tell her that you’d choose me
Or just fear the harm
Did you tell her we were more than friends
Or were you just biding your time
Waiting for it to end?

One day, maybe I will forget you
And move on to better days
Pretend I was someone who never met you
Never imagined your face
Never heard your voice late at night
Telling me to spread
Never gave you my heart to crush
Never followed where you led

But until then, I remain
The flame who continued to burn
Blazing beacon
Passion’s fool
Baby-girl
Lost little kitten
Beaming light onto those she loves
Occasionally laying down rules
But no more will that warmth fall upon you

Enjoy your years
Of passionless bliss
Lying in that large, lonely bed
Trading frigid affection
For safety and direction
Trying to banish my mem’ry from your head
Slowly forgetting my touch
I have to ask:
Does it hurt much?
It always does at the end
A burn may heal but it leaves a scar
So that a person may never forget
Cuts under the skin still remain
Wounded since first we met

We were a dumpster fire, honey
But how brightly did we shine!
I’ll look at the scarred
Wounds of my heart
Recalling when you were mine
We were that raging storm, my love
That we watched late one night
Your arms around me as I shook
Blushingly endearingly in fright
I was your star and you my sun
Caught in an endless gravitational pull
But you push me away
Like a magnet flipped
Changing all the rules

Maybe I will learn from this
Stop the unending tide
Maybe I’ll forget how you kissed me
Maybe I will not need to hide
Maybe tomorrow will be better days
And the night will not seem so dark
And maybe one day I won’t regret
Giving away my heart

— JMS
“Dumpster Fire”