Sub Drop

I feel
like a
fucking
idiot.
Every time you
leave
after we
play
I get this
horrible
anxious
panicky
lonely
feeling.
Sometimes
It lasts
for days.
And I berate myself for it.
And I tell myself
I’m a fucking dumbass.
And I tell myself
I have no right to these feelings.
And I tell myself
I need to get a fucking grip.
And I tell myself
to get over it.
And I tell myself
it was just a scene,
it was just playtime,
it was just
new,
rough,
different.
And I tell myself
I’m
fine.
But I feel
so
fucking
sad.
And so
fucking
awful.
And today
I learned
that there’s a thing called
sub drop.
That after all the endorphins
settle,
it’s normal
to feel this way.
Sometimes for
days.
Is that why you
text me
in the morning
after we play
and ask
if I’m ok?
Because I always
think
of course
I’m ok.
Why wouldn’t I be ok?
Now I know.
Because after a scene
it’s normal
not to feel
fucking ok.
To feel
lost
To feel
embarrassed.
To feel
lonely.
To feel
like I want to
slit
my fucking wrists
just to see
my blood
flow
just to know
I’m still
here.
Sigh.
Fuck.
Dammit.
I’m so mad
at myself
for not
knowing.
But also so
relieved
to know
I’m not
fucking
crazy.
Fuck.
Did you
know?
And you
didn’t
tell me?
Wow.
I think it’s
your turn to be
punished.
But don’t worry
sweetheart.
I won’t leave you in
Sub drop.
Because I know
what it feels like.
And I’ll take care of you.
Eventually.