Climbing the Shamelessness Ladder Pt. 01

OK, let's move. The family room, safely at the back of the house. I drape myself lengthwise on the couch, draw my feet to my butt and let my knees drop to either side. To complete the obscenest pose I can think of, I pinch my nipples and pull hard on them, until they genuinely hurt. Ouch! Then I scratch my crotch. I imagine my mum and dad and my brother seeing me this way. I cut the rising feeling of shame short by laughing out loud. And perhaps my family would laugh with me. Perhaps we'd laugh together and be the closer for it. After all, it is just their daughter's natural body on display here!

Time for a drink in the kitchen, no antics. I just sit there for a minute and drink a glass of juice. The utility rooms downstairs I skim. Boring. No spirit.

I need a pee. I see myself sitting on the toilet bowl, naked. An unusual sight. After wiping myself, I stand in front of the full-length mirror and pose as a shy girl, a pin-up girl, a downright slut. It is hard to pose as myself. Who am I, I wonder?

Upstairs I go, grabbing my clothes along the way. I chuck them into my room. The guest bedroom. OK, I said I'd visit every room, but I have no connection there. It has not been occupied by any family member and the fact that my mum and dad occasionally use it as an office, oh, well.

The bedroom of my elder brother at college, Julian, is tidy, but clearly his. We are close and have talked in here about love and life and I miss him. He has not seen me naked though. I feel uncomfortable, as if he is looking at me, as if he disapproves. Not that I expect him to do so. I don't know. (Note to self...) My emotions don't allow any jokes in here, so I leave the room and his memory in peace.

I have some trepidation playing in my parents' room -- is that shame? Maybe it is -- I just sit at my mother's dressing table. I look at the mirror and see a serious self. What am I doing here? Nothing wrong, really, but... The spirit is against it...

My brother at home, Ben, is just over year younger and one grade below me -- his room is a mess. This lowers my inhibitions and I sit down on the edge of his bed and lean back. Then I spread my legs, again in an obscene posture, for a few seconds only, and let myself drop to my back. I zone out for a few minutes and then leave the room. My sexuality is his room -- I should not flaunt it.

In my room, I immediately drop on my own bed and zone out again. I start thinking that it has been a fun thing to do, but it has run its course. Without other people, there is only so much shame and embarrassment to meet. As a final act, I get up and will stand at my window until I will see my brother appear. People would be able to see my torso from the street and a bit more from the houses opposite. My level of anticipation rises. I might be seen! I continuously survey the street and the houses, for any movement of curtains or any passing figures. I try to zone out, rather than fear or crave such happenings. I wait for nothing, until across the road, leftmost in my field of vision, a front door opens and a man starts to walk in my direction. He does not have his gaze glued to the pavement, but actively looks ahead and about. Alas, ahead is the operative word -- he does not look at the houses on our side, let alone ours, let alone upstairs, at me. Still, for a moment I felt observed and vulnerable. That was a high. A low is that I know I wasn't spotted. My feeling of being left out is cut short by the appearance of my brother, far left. I hesitate for a split second but step back before he could have seen me. The act is complete, I pick up my clothes, dress and enter the kitchen just as he pours himself a soda. I say hello and he ask me, 'How was your day?'

JOANNA'S NEXT STEP

That night -- naked in bed, which is how I already slept off and on, but will consistently sleep from now on -- I think about the event. Clearly, it was a bit lame. I was not seen by any stranger, neighbour or family member. Next time, I should be.

Now, who shall have the honour? Who are the candidates? Let's see... Louise, my best friend, Robert, her boyfriend, who joins us frequently and is my best male friend, my mother, my younger brother Ben, my older brother Julian? I certainly want to do something with dear Julian, who is three years my senior, but he will not be home for a couple of weeks and I can't wait that long.

It'll have to be Louise and Robert. Although Louise has been my best friend for a while, she has not seen me nude. In underwear in changing booths when shopping for clothes, yes. So, how shall I set this up? Robert has got a place of his own, he is a bit older. We do get together there from time to time. I will just tell them that I want to talk about something.

STEP 2 -- NAKED AT LOUISE AND ROBERT'S

A few days later, straight after dinner, Joanna rings the bell of Robert's apartment. She has dressed to the nines, with many layers. We see a nice green dress, sleeveless, high neckline, mid-thigh, which shows her figure well. Necklace with big amber beads. Orange cardigan, just about appropriate for a semi-cool evening. Tan pantihose, certainly on the warm side, but she must have wanted the layer. Green heels. That is what the eye can see. But we know that she has put on a lilac faux-silk camisole, matching scant silk and lace bra and panties. She brushed off her family's surprise by saying she was going out with Louise and Robert. She ignores Ben saying, 'On a weeknight?'

Robert lets her in. Louise is already there, must have rushed over, as she eats dinner with her family as a rule. Louise and Robert did not expect to go out, of course. They expected Joanna coming over to talk about something. So, they are dressed as casual as it comes. T-shirts and shorts. Louise is braless. Her bra lies on the armrest of the couch they were sitting on. The apartment is still hot from the day.

Louise says, 'My, why have you dressed up? You look great, to be sure.'

Joanna replies, 'I won't talk about why just yet. It will be clear when we are done.'

Robert says, 'You come in mysterious ways, Jo.'

She says, 'Sit down, please, both of you,' and she clears her throat. 'I won't go and yak on about why right now. We can talk about it later. I want to experience embarrassment, if I can. Shame of my body.'

Louise says, 'What? Why be ashamed of your body? You have not been bullied, have you? Or worse. You don't want to exorcise anything? But, yeah, you said you don't want to talk now. I understand. Well, do what you need to do.' Robert nods.

Joanna replies, 'What I want you to do is watch me. Watch me as hard as possible. In fact, I want you to get up and look up close, sniff me up if you want, but don't touch me. I will undress in front of you.' Her audience looks puzzled but expectant. 'I know, it is a funny thing to ask. Hope you want to help me here. And be shameless, please!'

Louise and Robert look at each other, puzzled but amused. Louise speaks, 'We won't say no to you, would we? We are your friends. For myself, I think nothing of seeing you naked. Surprised I haven't seen you yet, but I can't remember I did. Now, for us to come close and sort of inspect you, and sniff you -- is that what you said? -- well, it is a strange thing to do. You want to experience shame, OK, we'll try, won't we, Robert?' Robert adds, 'I cannot refuse, can I? Crazy request though, Jo. I guess me being a guy will help the shame? So, I guess I am needed. I know I will have to conquer my own embarrassment.'

'Thank you, my friends. Talk to me if and when you want. I won't blabber on, though, and bore you with how I feel throughout. I just want to feel. We'll talk later.'

Joanna positions herself opposite the couch, her audience in rapt attention, her gaze far away. Her heart will be racing, as she takes off her green heels and puts them away, neatly next to each other. She is now two inches smaller and less commanding. Her cardigan goes, arguably the last garment before she actually starts undressing. Her hands reach to the back of the dress, find the zipper and lower it. She pushes the left strap, then the right down her shoulders. She lowers the dress and steps out of it. Now she is in a state of undress. Of course, Louise has seen her like this before and worse, but the difference is the intention. Robert has seen her in bikini, but him being a guy and the intention being different, things must be hotting up for him. Both sets of eyes are glued to Joanna, who currently stands still. She looks angelic in her lilac ensemble. Like a sexy angel, to be sure.

'Go on, Jo!', whispers Louise. 'It is alright.'

We don't know whether Joanna needed this encouragement. Perhaps she was pausing for effect, perhaps she was lost in reverie. As it happens, she grabs the hem of her camisole and slowly lifts it off her body. She does not yet look like a lingerie model, because of the pantihose. Never a pretty thing, really, but it does help to make Joanna look positively in a state of undress. Clearly, there are some of us that love pantihose for that and other reasons. But off it goes now. Taking it off is laborious, but again, some of us will drink it in with gusto. Now we have revealed our lingerie model. It seems Joanna realises this, as she starts striking a number of appealing poses, slowly and deliberately and with a model's smile. This goes on for five minutes or more, after which the smile fades again and her hands move to the clip of her bra, thereby naturally thrusting her breasts forward. And her bra falls, she catches it and drops it on the pile. No coyly hiding her breasts, no model contortions now -- she is the girl next door, who is not aware that nudity is 'wrong.' In this fashion, she hooks her thumbs under the waistband of her panties, pulls them down, steps out, drops the garment and is naked -- that is, save for the necklace. Naked for the first time in a sexual sense in front of others. She first stands there, relaxed as if alone, arms to her sides. But then, she adopts what we know as the BDSM display position -- feet well apart, arms up, hands behind her head. We doubt if she knows this term, but who knows? She clearly offers herself up for inspection and after a pause of a mere few seconds, Louise takes up the invitation and gets up. Robert follows in her wake.

'Wow, Joanna. You are an awesome sight. Isn't she, Robert?'

Robert groans and says, 'I have never seen anyone this naked, including you, Louise.'

'Touché,' she replies, 'but I didn't have the same chance, did I? And we'll have time to remedy that later. But let's enjoy Joanna for now.'

She stoops deeply and places her face close to Joanna's vulva and sniffs and sniffs again.

'Jo, I have not seen a cunt up close and a shaved one to boot. You know, I smell you. And I see the moisture between your cunt lips. Here, feel my breath.' And she puffs. Joanna shivers a moment.

Louise walks around to the back off Joanna, stoops again and sniffs once more. 'You have a nice ass, Joanna. I could get to like this, you know?'

Robert mimics Louise movements, but more inhibited and he does not speak.

Louise is inspecting Joanna's breasts. 'You have tiny nipples, but large areolas. Clearly, we women are all different.'

Meticulously, Louise and Robert survey every millimetre of Joanna's body, front and back, up and down. Up close, just not touching. Finally, after a quarter of an hour, they take their distance and sit down.

With a sigh, Joanna lets her arms drop, places her feet together and relaxes.

'Phew... That was intense. Thank you, guys. I do appreciate it.'

She goes to sit in the easy chair, naked still, and crosses her legs.

Louise asks, 'So, Joanna, how did you score in terms of the shame you wanted?'

Joanna exhales and replies, 'Taking off my panties when you were looking like that was hard. And, boy, when you and especially Robert came along to sniff me in my crotch...! I am pretty clean, I think, but I just wasn't sure. I suddenly felt pretty dirty when you sniffed me. Nothing has ever come close to this. That was shame. But I was also aroused. A crazy mix.'

Robert, 'I smelt that. But you didn't smell dirty. I have been with a couple of girls...', he flashes a smile at Louise, '... but was embarrassed myself, for fuck's sake. You asked for it, but I was still embarrassed. I was also flattered, honoured, chosen, whatever. It was like a ritual. I will not forget this experience lightly.'

Louise says, 'So you see, Joanna, we enjoyed the experience and will not forget it, but it came with complex feelings. Not only for you. To be honest, I didn't like Robert seeing you up close and smelling you. Don't yet know how to stop him from dreaming of you from now on. I am half-serious. Anyway, I will have to step up now.' She sniggers. 'But this is your event. Bet you are excited.'

Joanne, 'I am still reeling. And aroused. I loved it, though. I never want to be dressed again!'

Louise, 'Fine by me. I am sure Robert feels the same. But don't get any ideas, Robert. As far as I, or we, are concerned, Joanna, you can strip whenever you want.'

The three keep on chatting for another hour or so, until the girls need to go home. The atmosphere is warm and intimate. If there was ever any ice, it has well and truly been broken. Likely forever. Whether Joanna will strip opposite them again, we will have to see. But it is well possible.

Then Joanna performs the striptease in reverse, watched by Louise and Robert, and after strong hugs goes home.

JOANNA'S REFLECTIONS ON THE ABOVE

I have butterflies in my stomach. I can't say they're happy or unhappy butterflies. It is an indescribable feeling, the anticipation of exposing myself for the first time. Flashes of doubt -- what is this craziness? I have rung the bell and seconds later Robert opens the door, hugs me and stands aside, ushering me in. I look up the stairs. He should go before me, if he were an old-fashioned gentleman. But I let it go and get to the stairs first. As it is, he can look up my skirt. I don't check whether he looks or doesn't. A flash of excitement! I am wearing my fancy underwear, thereby look my best. Lilac, with lacy bits. I am wearing as many layers as possible without looking stupid. Camisole, pantihose, green dress, cardigan and heels. Too fancy for a social visit so Robert and Louise will wonder. My family at home did, wondering why I did not go out in T-shirt and skirt or shorts, but I acted as if I didn't notice their surprise. I said I was going out with Robert and Louise.

I find Louise sitting on the sofa with her legs tucked under. She is informal as can be, dressed as lightly as possible on this warm evening. Braless. My breasts are a touch heavier than average, but hers are doubtlessly heavier. Not excessive, but nice. I can see her nipples poking the light shirt.

They comment on my party dress and I explain that I won't explain. I urge them to sit down, saying that it will become clear soon. I keep standing and announce that I want experience shame. Shame of my body. Or embarrassment, but that is a technical difference. I say I want to learn about shame and embarrassment, before I can free myself from all of that.

Louise says, 'Why be ashamed of your body? You have not been bullied, have you? You don't want to exorcise anything? But, yeah, you don't want to talk now. I understand. Well, do what you want.' Robert nods. I reply, 'Here is what I want you to do. Watch me. Watch me as hard as possible. In fact, I want you to get up and look up close, sniff me up if you want, but don't touch me.' My audience looks puzzled but open. 'I know, it is a funny thing to ask. Hope you want to help me here. And be shameless, please!'

Wide-eyed, they agree to do this. Not that they understand. Robert is extra-fussy, about being a guy and so on. He says he will be embarrassed as much as I. But he does not show it. He looks excited. Louise notices and he notices her. Sure, this little event may be a small test of their relationship, but they'll manage. I will not seduce him. Or her for that matter. Robert gets seated next to her, hand on her thigh. Four eyes glued on my shape. The distance is ten, twelve feet. My heart is beating fast. I take a deep breath and there I go.

I tell myself to be slow and try to make my movements elegant and not fumble. Slowly, I take off my heels, by hand, one at the time, rather than kicking them away, and neatly place them under the nearby easy chair. This is the preamble. Next, I take off the cardigan and lay it on the easy chair. My heartbeat drops only slightly. Now comes the actual undressing. I realise Robert has seen me in bikini and Louise in underwear in changing booths, so nothing to worry about, is there? It is just they are actively watching! And they know I am going all the way. Another deep breath. The dress... Zipped up at the back, I reach there and undo it. I feel their gazes acutely. I lower the dress and step out of it. I am in camisole, pantihose, bra and panties. Both have seen me closer to nudity. Again, this feels harder, because I will be presenting myself stark-naked and a state of undress is worse than wearing a bikini. The presence of Robert makes a big difference. Not that I sense a threat coming from him. It is purely me. Louise may sense this as she whispers that I go on. Pull yourself together, girl. They are friends and you want this. I return to actress mode, stare into the distance and slowly lift the camisole over my head, strip off the pantihose, take another deep breath before I remove bra and panties. I return to myself, to my consciousness, and relax -- I stand there naked, as I wanted, in front of my friends Louise and Robert. I relax. I want them to see me well and open, so I place my feet apart and hands behind my head.

Four eyes study me. Then Louise gets up and approaches me. Robert trails her. Especially he is in awe of me. That feels good. Louise is a touch jealous of me, I think. But she is a trooper and will realise I am not on the hunt. Except I am on the hunt for myself.

Any signs of envy, after a glance to Robert, are soon gone from Louise. Both she and he simply admire me. They provide comment throughout. Inside, I am glowing with pride. And feel so naked and visible. Brief flashes of embarrassment pepper the good feeling... Embarrassment, when Louise inspects my cunt and sniffs it. Robert copies her. Wish they would stop this. No, I don't! They don't touch, according to my request. Wish they would... I am aroused!

It takes them 10-20 minutes. I am not sure.

We talk about my experience. It is great to be naked with my friends and talk about my thoughts, feelings and emotions. And theirs! They were affected as much as I. They found the experience awesome. They have never seen, rather: studied a cunt, one without hair too! Louise has looked at hers, but it is quite hairy, she says, and the word 'studying' does not apply. Robert has seen the sex of the few women he has been with, but has not been close to the thing, nor felt free to look well. We keep chatting for quite a while. It feels intimate and warm. If this is possible, I feel our friendship has deepened tonight. No harm done! And I feel beautiful and desirable!

Sad, I have to leave and, bugger, I need to get dressed again. Alas, I cannot go home naked.

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Mum and dad have gone to bed when I arrive home. Ben is at the kitchen table. 'Nice party? At least you're not still sweaty from all the dancing!' 'We only slow-danced, Ben. And you, had a good wank yet? Don't tell me! Goodnight.' And I leave to go to my room, where I regain my nudity as soon as I close the door. I revisit the evening lying on my back on the bed and, well, wank the way girls do...