Emily 2.0 Ch. 11

Ok, so maybe she was a slut after all? Maybe deep down that was what she wanted, so maybe she should just own it? She'd never fantasised about anything like this before, though. What did it all mean? What did it say about her? Was she sick? Had this always been lurking somewhere in the deepest and darkest recesses of her psyche, or did the experiences of this place cause it? Was it even about being a slut as such, though? No, not really. It was more about being forced to act that way against her nature. Having to submit and do disgusting things that she would never ordinarily do. She was getting a perverse kick out of the humiliation. She both hated it and loved it at the same time.

Oh my God, I'm a masochist! I love the humiliation! I love being forced to behave like a slut!

Was she the only woman like this here or did every woman here secretly harbour these fantasies somewhere down deep, and that's why they liked it so much? Or were they just 'giving the gift' out of a sense of duty and 'honouring the agreement' as Emily had been told? She wasn't from here, though, and that had to be taken into account. Her Earth 1 background almost certainly was behind all this, so she was probably alone in feeling this way here. In that case, should she get help?

Who could she talk to? The Master would probably just put her through more training, which would be kind of pointless now that she was leaving anyway. Madison would probably be supportive and tell her to run with it, but endorsement might not be the right message to hear. There was a possibility that Madison also had similar feelings, having come from a similar background. Probably not, though. She did seem to just enjoy the physical aspects of 'fucking and sucking'. Collingwood might not understand. He'd had enough trouble dealing with the idea that she was doing this stuff at all. Knowing that she was into it on any personal level might possibly upset him all over again.

No, it had to stay her secret. She wouldn't tell anyone. But should she go on behaving the way she had been for the last few months and hope no one noticed that she was actually into it, not just 'giving the gift'? Was that healthy? Or should she try to resist it?

Would going home allow her to escape it and put all this behind her? What if she couldn't resist it anymore, even once she got home? Like an addict, would she start fantasising about it and eventually start down a slippery slope of trying to replicate everything she'd done here? Maybe she could convince Collingwood to play "Earth 2 style" within the privacy of their homes? Could she be satisfied with that, or would she keep trying to push the envelope, taking her kink to nude beaches, S&M scenes, and risky sex in public places? A career and reputation-killing secret that she would dread anyone discovering about her, until inevitably it was discovered one day when she took it too far?

Maybe going home would stop it and she was worrying about nothing? She was living a lifestyle here, not just playing out a scene in a bedroom session. That was the turn-on. Knowing there was no way out. Knowing she could never wear clothes. Knowing it was forbidden to say no to sex or to disobey a command. Even the idea of her genitals being altered excited her. Not having the procedure as such. It was the idea of them changing her appearance against her will that was making her pulse go crazy. She loved being in the trap with no escape.

No, it had to end, and going home was the only way it ever would. It was her only option. She needed to start getting used to the idea that this life was wrong, and soon it would all be over.

*****

That was all fine in theory, but that same night Madison wanted to go for a drink, and Emily found herself scanning the room, wondering who the first man would be to approach and give her a command. Her heart was beating faster.

Oh well, one more night of enjoying it won't hurt... Dammit.

She was an adrenaline junkie, and she knew it now. She didn't want it to stop. She was choosing to give into it, and it felt so good, and here no one was ever going to stop her.

"'Kneel' and 'Open', 7GQA9E."

Ahh, at last!

Emily smiled and got down on her knees in front of the man with her mouth open. She imagined what she looked like totally nude with this man's cock in her mouth, while all around people watched. She felt like such a cheap whore. Well, worse than that. She wasn't charging for this. She was doing it because this man had ordered her to, and she wasn't going to raise a single objection. She was a sex toy. Here for men's pleasure. Here for them to use as they saw fit, and she loved that she wasn't allowed to say no.

She took him deep into her throat, thinking about her nudity in this public place and what she was doing to this stranger, just because he had commanded it of her. She moved her head and swayed her body back and forth to increase her stroke. She could sense his pleasure, and it was all because of her. What had Collingwood called her that evening with the crew when they were all drunk and boorish? A "perfect little trained slut". Yes, that's what she was. The thought made her pulse quicken and she doubled her enthusiasm. Unfortunately, the man didn't last very long, and she felt him pulsating as he ejaculated into her throat moments later.

As he withdrew, he finished with the usual "Thank you, 7GQA9E".

Another satisfied customer. Someone else who found joy in her debasement almost as much as she did.

"Thank you, kind sir," she responded with a smile as she wiped her slutty mouth on the back of her slutty hand.

"You seem different tonight, 7GQ," Madison commented as Emily sat back down and reached for her drink.

"Why, how do you mean?" Emily asked in surprise.

"I'm not sure," Madison replied while looking back with a slight frown. "It kind of looked like you were performing just then. Like you wanted people to watch."

Oh God! Was it that obvious?

"Oh, you know," Emily responded, quickly trying to come up with a convincing lie, "just 'giving the gift' and all that. Trying to do my best."

"Fair enough," Madison replied. "It must be my turn next. You seem to get all of the attention lately. Another drink?"

"Yes please," Emily replied, quickly sipping the last of her remaining drink while silently thanking the Gods that conversation had ended.

Madison returned shortly later with the fresh drinks.

"You're totally digging this now, aren't you, Eminem?" she asked with a knowing smile as she sat back down.

"What's that?" Emily responded, pretending she had no idea what Madison was talking about.

"The fucking and sucking. It's not just about 'giving the gift' anymore, is it? You're totally into it," Madison replied with a cheeky grin.

Emily quickly realised Madison thought it was just about the physical sex instead of the head rush she was getting from the humiliation and degradation.

Ok, let her think that.

"Oh, I dunno. Yeah, it's alright I guess," Emily replied with a coy smile, hoping that would be enough to convince Madison that it was the case.

"Hmm… so there's something else going on with you…" Madison responded with a hint of suspicion behind her smile.

Dammit!

'"4D9Y2Y, can you 'Kneel' and 'Open'?" a man asked as he approached Madison.

Whew! Saved by the horny cock.

Madison gave Emily a wink as she got into position on her knees and prepared to blow the man.

While Madison was giving her gift, Emily felt a little guilty about the partial lie as she turned back to her drink and her thoughts. Back on Earth 1 she had been Captain Emily Birmingham, officer in the space program, feminist, career woman and respected amongst her peers. Here she was 7GQA9E, obedient fuck-toy and permanently naked slut with her genitals out for anyone to see. That wasn't going to go away easily now. She fingered the captain's insignia on her collar. Even if she returned to Earth 1 now, her subordinates had all seen her and taken advantage of her. The damage was done. She would never be able to put this behind her now. It would forever haunt her, both in her mind and in her career. While her crew would be likely to keep their mouths shut officially, it would always be there between them. There would be knowing smiles and lingering stares as she walked by. "Remember her on Earth 2?" they would whisper amongst themselves. "Fucked any man any time and didn't wear a stitch for two years. Shaved her pussy and everything. What a slut."

She would never live this down, and was mortified beyond words about it, but at the same time she loved how this stuff made her feel right now and wished it didn't have to end. At the same time, she was also ashamed of herself that she felt like that. She was even turned on now thinking about them talking about her like that and knew that it would trigger this feeling again when it happened. She couldn't win. Yet she couldn't stop feeling like this. Even watching Madison blow this guy beside her made her wish it was her doing it for the second time tonight. She knew she was a complete tramp in her mind, but here there was no judgement so she could get away with it.

Ok, it was done now, and it was probably going to follow her home. Should she maybe find a way to stay then? Seek asylum maybe? No! It had to stop. She needed to get out of here and back to being sensible, modest, feminist Emily. She needed to feel self-respect again whether she wanted that right now or not. That would start with keeping this part of her a secret and trying not to like it too much until she could go home and put it behind her. Or so she thought.

*****

Two days later she got a call from the Master and found herself standing in front of him in the 'Present' position. The mystery of the IUD still played in the back of her mind, and she wondered if the Watchers might have done it to her while she went through the training here. How, though? Did they have some technology she didn't know about perhaps? Why then? The Agreement promoted fertility, but then she wasn't from this world and maybe they had reasons to stop her from breeding here. Perhaps the Master would let something slip…

"I sense there is still conflict within you, Captain 7GQA9E." he began. "4D9Y2Y says you seem to be experiencing an unusual amount of pleasure in giving the gifts, yet you deny it."

Madison told him!

"It's good to 'give the gift', Master," Emily replied, hoping to sound as casual as possible.

"Indeed, and there is pleasure to be found in that, but for some there is something more. For them, the pleasure is in the act of submission more than in the act of coupling. Do you think you might be in this category?"

"I-I don't know, Master," she replied, feeling uncomfortable with the idea of having to admit her true feelings about it.

"'Sit', 7GQA9E."

Emily got into the squat position with her legs apart and fingers laced behind her neck. The Master stood up and circled around her as he continued speaking.

"Notice you obeyed without question. Here you are revealed to me completely and you cannot hide yourself. Know also, there will be no coupling here today. Here you are only displayed, and your obedience is being tested. Think on it."

Her pulse started to quicken and her face felt flushed. She hoped he wouldn't notice.

"'Kneel', 7GQA9E."

She got into the position as the Master stopped in front of her and looked down at her face.

"Here you are submitting to me completely. You kneel before me with your hands behind your back. If I chose to bind your hands or place clamps on your teats, you would not stop me, even though it would be uncomfortable for you. You know this. Think on this too."

Emily breathed in deeply through her nose, trying to fight just how much this was turning her on.

"'Display', 7GQA9E."

She stood up and turned around, spreading her cheeks and labia towards the Master.

"You are quite visibly aroused. That is obvious," he observed. "And yet you have not been touched. Tell me, what do you feel?"

"Um… I feel a sense of anticipation, Master," Emily answered.

"And yet I have already told you there will be no coupling here today. What is it you anticipate?"

"I-I don't know, Master."

"I think you know what you feel, and it is not anticipation," the Master continued. "You are not giving the gift as much as you are receiving something for yourself. You find excitement in the submission. Do I not speak the truth?"

He almost had it nailed. The only option now was to admit it and perhaps he would have a solution to escape the shame she now felt in knowing that she enjoyed it.

"Not quite, Master," Emily responded. "As you know, I come from a world that is very different to here. Women are clothed and don't obey commands from men. That has made my life here completely terrifying and humiliating, but somehow I've come to experience pleasure whenever I feel that. I also feel shame in knowing I find pleasure in that feeling, and that shame also brings me pleasure. It seems so contradictory and unnatural, and now I feel I am caught in a vicious cycle that I worry I cannot escape, even when I leave and go back to my home planet."

"Hmm….," the Master responded. "Feeling as you do is rare here, but it does occur from time to time. I think it is a thing of beauty, though, and you should not feel shame about it. However, you also feel shame in knowing that you enjoy it, and that also gives you pleasure, and therefore more shame? Such is the cycle you feel you are caught in?"

"Um… yes, Master, "Emily admitted. "The humiliation I feel in having to do things that I normally would not do is something I've come to yearn for because it brings me pleasure. Then I feel shame because I know I enjoy it, which brings me more pleasure, so the cycle is never ending. I feel that it's wrong and I must stop it, but I'm not sure I can now. I can't help the way I feel! I hope that going home will allow me to stop these feelings and put all this behind me, but I'm no longer sure that will be enough. I worry that I will seek out another way to get this feeling, and eventually it will be discovered, and I will be publicly humiliated, and then I will also feel pleasure in seeing my life and reputation ruined. I feel like I am caught in an emotional trap, and I don't know what to do about it! I also worry that I am not giving the gift properly now in the time I have left here."

"Hmm… I think you are still giving the gift," the Master assured her. "It still comes at a cost to you. You have just learned to feel pleasure in paying that cost. Feeling pleasure in the humiliation you feel about giving the gifts can be safely retained. However, the shame you feel in knowing that you enjoy being humiliated is the problem, and that is what we must eliminate to solve the cycle you feel you are caught in. Start by considering that what you have is a rare and beautiful thing. The pleasure you feel in the pain of giving helps make your gifts even more beautiful to receive, as long as you embrace it as a part of who you are. It is only in denying it, or in feeling guilt about it, that you can do yourself harm."

"That may be easier said than done, Master," Emily responded. "I feel trapped and conflicted. I enjoy that it is not my choice. How is that giving? And I feel conflicted that I enjoy it, while at the same time I don't think I should enjoy it. That can't be healthy, can it? And I don't think it's properly serving The Agreement."

"I think the error you are making is regarding this as a defect, or that it makes you less, 7GQA9E," the Master continued. "You must come to accept that it is not wrongful to feel this way. Being sexually submissive is normal and valid for many women, and many men too. Being masochistic on top of that can be just as normal. Better than normal in fact. Start thinking that it makes you more, not less. You are what you are, 7GQA9E. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Once you do, you will see there is no conflict. You are still serving the Agreement, and it does not change who you are. Instead, it is a part of who you are."

"So, you're saying my only issue is that I need to accept that I am like this? What if someone finds out, and it affects my social and professional lives either here or back on my home planet?"

"That is correct," the Master replied. "You need to find acceptance. Then there is no guilt, no matter who discovers this about you. If I can do it, then you can too. I come to you from a position of experience with feeling much the same way, and I do not try to hide it. I know what you are going through, and what you are is ok."

"What are you saying, Master?" Emily queried. "Are you a masochist too?"

"Not in exactly the same way as you but it is similar. I am bonded with a wonderful man, and at my request, he has me revealed as a woman and makes me perform the commands for him. I understand your feelings perfectly. It took some time to accept myself and understand that this part of me does not affect who I am. I am still the Master in every sense. That acceptance is what I want for you too. I want you to embrace this part of you. Do not see it as a defect or a flaw, but rather an enhancement. Do not try to suppress it. Enjoy it for the pleasure it provides, as others will enjoy receiving it from you. You are still giving the gift in every sense, and I am sure you can find a way to enjoy it in privacy back on your home world."

Emily suddenly had visions of the Master in nothing but women's high heels while posing in the 'Sit" and 'Face Down' positions. It almost made her burst out laughing. Yet he had openly confessed this most private part of himself and saw nothing wrong with his behaviour. Perhaps he was right? She just needed to be ok with this part of her and enjoy it for what it was?

"Thank you, Master," Emily responded. "I think I'm starting to understand. So, no matter how or why this started happening to me, I should be ok with it, and accept myself this way? It isn't wrong of me to find pleasure in my own humiliation?"

"That is correct. We can be our own worst enemies at times," he replied. "Live your life, 7GQA9E. Accept who you are. Consider the feelings you have as a blessing, not a curse. Few will ever know the intensity of emotion that you feel when giving the gifts. It makes your gifts even greater, not less. You should feel no guilt about it. Guilt will serve no good purpose even if it was justified, which it is not."

"Thank you, Master. I will try."

"Indeed. Please do come and see me if you continue to struggle."

"I will, thank you, Master," she responded. "There is one more thing. I have not been able to conceive, and I'm worried about it."

"Oh? Are you performing vaginal coupling regularly?" he asked, obviously surprised to hear it.

The Master's response led Emily to believe he was either a really good actor and he didn't want her to know the truth, or someone else put the IUD in her. Who, though? The Military? Collingwood maybe? He was particularly upset by the first pregnancy, so he had motive, but he didn't have access to any means or opportunity to do it as far as she knew. Even if he did, surely he would have just offered it to her rather than do it without her knowledge or consent? He knew full well she didn't want to get pregnant again. No, it didn't add up. It couldn't have been him… Now, where was she? Oh, vaginal coupling. Right.

"I am, Master, yes."

"Most unusual. Have you seen a physician?"

"I have, Master. Unfortunately, they can offer no explanation," she replied.

"Ok, keep me informed and let me know if there is anything I can do to help," he responded.

"I will, Master. Thank you."

"I hear reports that construction of the ships is ahead of schedule, and they should be ready within a few months?" the Master asked, moving on.