Love Lost, Love Found

They were silent on the way home. "Alright, Rose, shower and jammie time, then you can read me a story out of that book..." She burst into tears and ran into the bedroom.

Lauren said, "Rose, go get your shower and let me go talk to your mom."

"But what's wrong? What happened?"

"I don't know, but I think it's adult stuff. She'll be fine and tomorrow the weather is supposed to be nice and you two could do something. We have the long weekend afterall. No school for either of you."

Lauren entered the bedroom and gave her a hug and while holding her, "Let me guess, he said he couldn't do it. Didn't want more. So you ended it."

Ava pulled away and stared at her. "Mom, how did you...?"

"Oh, give a mother some credit. You love him, he loves you. It's been clear, well, almost from day one. I've been waiting for you two to either lock yourselves away for the weekend or have a breakdown. And I figured it would be him and not you. I could see you thawing and opening, while he still acted frozen."

"Mom, it's like we're married, with all the family benefits, but none of the wife-husband benefits of love, affection and, well, you know. I don't know what to do, but I can't just stay in limbo, that crazy gravy mess just clarified it all for me."

Her mom laughed. "The gravy spill?"

"Yeah, crazy, I know, but he just nonchalantly grabbed a towel and started cleaning me like we'd been married for years or at least been sharing the bedroom for years. It, well let me just say that it made me realize I wanted more. But he said he couldn't. Not after what happened with his wife.

"So I guess I just hitched my heart to the wrong wagon or whatever. Gosh, I'm going to miss those girls though. They are just the sweetest and I love them to death. But I have great friends, a great job, and the best mom in the whole world." She hugged her mom and kissed her cheek.

"They say when one door closes, another one opens."

"But I never expected to be thrown out of the door and into the yard in a sweat shirt and sweat pants. At least not without some warning."

"You need to talk to him again. What ever happened with he and his wife?"

"Nope, the next move is his and no idea. He never would discuss it. But, you know, at least he managed to open me up to love again, right? Made me realize I want more. So at least there's that."

"Then why do you look so sad?" Ava broke down, grabbed her mom like a young child and started to cry harder.

"Because it just hurts so much. I feel so empty. Again! There's so much missing."

Holly and Mackenzie went back to the bedroom and confronted their dad. "What did you do, Dad? You made Ava cry, a lot, and now she says we're not going to see her much."

He continued sitting on the bed, head down. "Just adult stuff. She didn't understand, you wouldn't understand, no one could understand."

"But, Dad, we love Ava. She's like our mom or something." His head snapped up and he peered at one and then the other. "She talks to us, teaches us stuff, and understands things."

"Don't I do all those things?"

"Kind of. But it's a lot different. She's a girl."

"Holly's right. Ava knows stuff. But she makes you happy, Daddy. You smile all the time when she's here. Seeing you sad makes us sad."

He reached out and pulled them into a hug although he went easy on Holly. "It'll all work out. The three of us will be just fine, you'll see. And you two look terrific in your new bras."

Three weeks later she got another text from Holly. They'd stayed in touch by text and video chat, but this one seemed urgent.

>Ava. Mac and I need to see you. It's been like forever and we miss you, Rose and Gram. We need to talk to you. In person. It's important. Very important.

>Okay. We all miss you too. Tomorrow is Friday, why don't you ask your dad if I can pick you up after school and we could have a girls' sleepover and catch up. Do something fun Saturday morning and then bring you home Saturday afternoon.

>Text you back after we ask. He is outside somewhere.

A few minutes later:

>He said fine.

>Terrific. I'm excited. Bring play clothes, pajamas and that sort of stuff and I'll see you tomorrow.

"Rose! Where are you? Guess what we're doing tomorrow?"

Ava parked her van in the side lot and walked over to the pick up area. She snagged Rose as she came out and then saw Holly and Mac come out the doors jabbering with a group of friends. It made Ava happy that they had friends together. They saw her and sprinted to her carrying their backpacks and overnight bags. She got down on her knees and wrapped them both up in a hug.

"Oh, girls, I have missed you so much. It's been way too long." Tears were forming.

"We missed you, too, but why are you crying."

Wiping her eyes, "Happy tears." But Ava knew that was not true, they were tears of regret, tears of loss.

"You look like Dad."

"What?"

"Yup, he's sad all the time. Just mopes around."

"He hasn't even told one of his stupid dad jokes since Thanksgiving."

"Really?" They nodded. "Here's my plan: I thought we could go ice skating for a few hours, then go to the pizza place and get pizza and milkshakes and then see how we're doing time wise. We could sit around and talk, watch a movie, or even make cookies. No bed time tonight," whispering, "but don't tell your dad." They laughed.

They never made it to the cookies. She and the girls talked about all sorts of girl things. She tried some new things on their hair, painted their toenails and then had a serious talk about deodorants and changes that would be coming in the next few years and then listened to the three girls talking away until midnight or so before it got quiet. She snuck in and made sure each was covered, tucked in, and kissed each on the forehead.

Saturday morning she had the girls help her make snowman shaped pancakes covered with Cool Whip and mini M&M's for eyes, mouth, and buttons. Then off to the trampoline park. After a couple hours of that the threesome looked shot and Ava took them back to her place to pick up their things.

Emily was there, "Ah, the gruesome twosome is here for a visit. Been a while since I've seen you two. How've you been?"

"Good."

"How's your dad?"

"He's become Sad Dad. He never smiles. We were going to make cookies, but I guess we ran out of time."

"Sad is he? Moping around like this one?" pointing at Ava. They nodded. "Ava," grabbing her arm, "you come with me now!" She dragged her into the bedroom and shut the door. "What the hell are you doing, Ava? You're wandering around like a little lost puppy ready to burst into tears at any moment and he's Sad Dad. You need to do something, girl! Don't just let it go! You love him, he loves you and he's just pulling this stupid male crap. Don't let him get away with it."

"But he said..."

"Oh screw him! And that's just what he needs. He needs to get laid and then he will be all yours. This is just crap. It's like the good book says..."

"What?"

"You know the Song of David or whatever. One of the Psalms. The 'he made me lie down in green pastures...' I tried that at work and it didn't work. But you know the part after the 'shadow of death' and all that where it says, 'thy rod in my shaft, they comfort me?"

Laughing a little, "Emily, no, I don't know that part. I'm not sure that's what it says. I think you read it wrong." Then looking sad again, "Like my mom said, 'when one door closes, another will open.' Another will open for me."

"That's bullshit and you know it! Yeah sure. It took over five years, close to six to open this door. What's it going to take, another five before the next door opens. Hell, you'll be old and wrinkled up by then, you'll have to settle for some old fat, bald headed guy who's on his third wife that no one else wanted."

"Thanks, that's helpful."

"So, if one door closes you can wait until another opens or dammit, Ava, you can just reopen the same damn door and jump back in because that's how friggin' doors work! Open the same damn door, Ava! Break through to him. Don't give up so easily. Pound some sense into that thick skull of his. If you don't you'll lose him AND those two wonderful girls out there."

"I don't know. I just don't know! But I can't think of anything else but Bart. It's driving me crazy."

"Guess you just told yourself what you need to do."

"I don't know, Emily."

"Oh stop. Stand up and be brave, fearless, like you were at my wedding. Like you were at the funeral."

Ava looked shocked for a moment,"Oh, Em...I" But before she could say anything else, Emily hugged her.

"Stop. I love you, Ava. You being happy makes me happy. You being sad makes me sad. And you know how I hate to feel sad! Let's go make some cookies for Sad Dad, but you think about what I said. Think hard! YOU can make this happen. Reopen the friggin' door! Be a warrior, not a worrier."

"Do you have any more cliches for me?"

"Sure. Strike while the iron is hot. He who hesitates is lost. A stitch in time saves nine. Shit or get off the pot." Staring hard at her, "JUST FUCKING DO IT, DUMBASS!"

Smiling, "I'm not sure that's how that one goes either."

Emily grabbed her and hugged her. Whispering in her ear, "Just do it. It will make you both happy. Please!"

She drove the girls home, made sure they had all their stuff, hugged them goodbye and watched them climb the steps and knock on the door. Bart opened it and stepped onto the porch, bent over and gave each a hug. She noted he was bending a little less each month as the girls shot up in height. And then he locked eyes with Ava. Ava tentatively waved her hand, tears formed, she started to tremble and turned back towards the van.

She stopped, let out a scream of anger and frustration then caught herself. "NO! NO WAY!" Four sets of eyes were on her. In a eerily calm voice, "Rose, out of the car, now! Would you run up the steps, grab the girls and go into one of their bedrooms and shut the door please. I need to talk to Bart."

"Mommy?"

"It's alright, Rose. Please just do it for me."

Rose ran up the steps and grabbed the other two. "Quick, we need to go to your room and close the door." They didn't argue. They were worried about what was going to happen. Ava turned around and took long steady strides towards Bart.

"Don't you say a damn word or I will punch you where it hurts. Come with me." She dragged him into his bedroom, shut the door pushed him onto the bed, and yelled, "NO ONE! NO ONE GETS TO BREAK MY HEART LIKE YOU'VE DONE! No one one gets to just kick me out of their life when they know how much I love them!

"After nine months of being so close! NO ONE! No one gets to do that to me! It's not going to happen. No! DO NOT SAY A FUCKING WORD! I will not accept it." Sarcastically in a male voice, "'I'm just not ready.' Well, I don't give a shit if you're ready or not! I am. And I'm taking control of this relationship. I love you and I love those two girls, WHO BETTER NOT BE LISTENING, as much as my own. You threw me out of their lives as well. Not going to happen!"

Looking frustrated, "Bart, for the love of God, quit focusing on what could go wrong and instead get excited about all the things that could go right! Rose needs you! I need you! Your girls need me and you know damned well in that fucking rock filled head of yours that you need me. I know you do by the way you look at me. Stare at me. Touch me."

"But..."

Taking a breath, "Stop! Before you say another word, you tell me what happened to you and why," sarcastically, "why you're not 'ready'. NOW! Tell me now!"

Putting his hands up as if to hold her back, "Alright. Alright. Her name was Tiffany, Tiff. We'd been married about six years, the girls were four and five. She was on a trip 'with the girls' which actually turned out to be with her boss. She called one evening from the Caymans and said that she'd been having an affair with him for about a year and wasn't coming back. She didn't want the house, the kids, or anything else and her sister Monica would come by the next morning, Saturday, and get her stuff and her car. I never had a clue.

"I asked her why and she said I was fat, boring and had a stupid job. 'If I were a fly on our bedroom wall I would die of boredom.' She needed excitement like Vegas or Cancun and not some guy whose idea of fun was a beach vacation for the family."

Ava couldn't help herself, her eyes filled with tears and she touched his arm. In a whisper, "She didn't want the girls?" He shook his head.

"She said a lot of other stuff just to hurt me. Hell even the guy she was with told her to knock it off."

"How'd you get over it? Well, obviously you didn't get over it if six years later 'you're still not ready.'"

"I got angry, really angry. I threw each and every bit of love or concern for her, every memory, every thought, plan, hope, dream and burned them inside my heart, to my soul. A huge overnight bonfire until the pain was gone and she was just an empty spot somewhere inside.

"I got rid of everything in the house, every picture of the two of us, every trace of her in the house. Gone."

"Except the girls' bedrooms."

"Right. Then I started losing weight, working out, quit my job, took all of our savings and my retirement and bought the nursery. My whole focus was the girls until you showed up sniffing roses."

"Did she ever come back?"

"Yes. Once. After about fifteen months or so. She showed up when the kids were at a party saying she'd made a terrible mistake and wanted to come home, back to me. She'd regained all her weight and I guess he dumped her. I don't know. I told her she was more than welcome to see her kids, but there was nothing left of 'us.' I invited her in she looked around, said something like 'it's like I was never here' and left. Never came back again.

"Her mom's pissed that I wouldn't take her back with open arms. Her sister, Monica is pissed because I wouldn't remarry her after the divorce." He shrugged.

"That's awful, Bart, but the way you dealt with it. Damn. But you still owe me dinner." She smiled, slightly.

"What?"

"Mine's still worse. I think much worse."

"So tell me."

"We'd been married two years, I was at my mom's for a visit and my pregnancy test was positive. I drove home to share the news with the guy I loved more than anything in the world and he was in our bed, naked, having sex with a woman. Just like Tiffany, he was cheating on me. I walked to the head and it was Emily."

"Your friend Emily?" She nodded.

"Turns out they'd been having sex for six months, he'd been working on her since shortly after we got married. I didn't know all that until I went to her wedding to him seven months later. I still don't know how I got invited, but I was so pissed about it I went and sat in the back. No one, not a single guest there including her parents knew that she'd been screwing a married man. A guy married to her best friend.

"Soooo, I did something terrible, I stood up in the back and told everybody the details of their romance, my water broke and I went into labor as I was relating the tale. So I had Rose out of town, strange hospital, new doctor. She married him anyway, but it fell apart right away. I guess I put a damper on the romance. Her mom skipped out of the reception so she could help me."

"So how'd you get back together? You seem pretty tight now."

"At her mom's funeral. I'd been seeing her mom once or sometimes twice a month. She'd always been like a second mom to me, and that was her greatest wish. And there was a hole, a big hole where she'd always been. I needed her." In a quiet voice, almost a whisper, "Just like I need you, Bart. You made a big, big hole when you left and took the girls with you."

"I'm sorry I..."

"Stop. There is a Karma saying that says something like if you trust someone completely, unconditionally you either get a lesson for life, which you got from Tiff or you can get a person for life. And that's me! I would never cheat on you, hurt you, or leave or anything like that, ever. I couldn't do it to you. Couldn't do it to the girls. I will always support you, help you, be there for you and let you know each and every day how much I love you. And beat the crap out of you if you ever hurt me like that again."

"But the girls..."

"Your girls are just about teenagers and if they're true to form like most kids, everything you do or say will be wrong and they will think you are about as smart as a turtle. Then there's college and then they're gone. What do you do then, Bart? If you're smart, you have me until the end and maybe beyond.

"Please, Bart. Please take down the walls and let me in."

"Ava, I..."

"Oh, screw this!" She lunged forward, grabbed his face with both hands and kissed him while shoving him back on the bed. She jumped on top and continued to kiss him. She sighed as he tried to push her free, but she held on and kept their lips together. He relaxed and then became more urgent. He wrapped his arms around her as she wrapped hers around his neck and the kiss continued. A vocal sigh escaped the back of her throat as she started exploring his back, arms, thighs.

She pulled back and took a deep breath. "I swear, Bart, I have never wanted anything more in my whole life. So here's the plan. I'm spending the night and you are never getting rid of me. I don't care whether we get married or not, but your kids are my kids and my kid is your kid and we have to talk about making another. No! Not a word.

"Now I am going to go out and make sure the girls are alright--I might have scared them a little--see if they can entertain themselves for a couple of hours, come back, lock the door and try not to make too much noise until the phone alarm goes off and then you are going to take all of us out to dinner. Got it? A nod is enough." He nodded.

She smiled, "Do not attempt to escape. I promise not to hurt you...much. Promise me you won't do anything with that thing pushing up your pants until I get back. He's mine. All mine and we'll just see about that fly on the wall. I'll bet Tiff was wrong." She kissed him again and moaned. "Shit! Damn kids!" But laughed.

"Come on, girls. Let's sit on the bed and talk for a few minutes, alright?" She sat and they clustered around. "First, I am very sorry for yelling. That's not how we should deal with issues. I hope I didn't frighten you and portions of my language were unacceptable, but sometimes your father...well, you know how he can be. And I don't want you to ever use those words. Okay?" They nodded.

"Secondly, you know how much I love all three of you and how much I want to spend time with you, right?" Nods. "What would you think if the five of us became like one big happy family? We would spend more time together and sometimes I would spend the night here with Rose? What would you think of that? I would be kinda like your mom or something and your dad would be kind of like Rose's dad. Thoughts? Would that be alright?"

All three lunged and hugged her. "Yes, yes, yes. That's exactly what Mac and I wanted. Rose, is that alright with you too? To share your mom with us, but you get Dad."

"Yeah! Great. But where would I sleep?"

Ava hugged all three. "We have lots of details to work out, Rose, and there are bound to be a few hiccups, but the main thing is we all love each other, right?"

"Right!" echoed all three.

"So now I have a big ask. Could you three entertain yourselves for about two hours or so and promise me no fighting or getting into trouble? And no injuries. You can stay in here or watch TV, but don't go outside. I need to have a very serious discussion with your dad and we can't be interrupted unless something bad happens, okay? Then we're going to go out and get some dinner. You three figure out where you want to go in the mean time. Deal?" They all nodded. "So I'll see you all in a bit."