All Comments on 'Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow'

I've only just started reading, but it stopped me short with the claim that Roberta Flack was the singer. My recollection was that it was a Goffin/King composition sung by the Shirelles.

Anyhow, regardless, I'll now read the story.

Lue.

V = version sung. I listened to a few different covers of this and I thought the emotional tone of Roberta Flack's singing best captured what I was looking for.

I just finished reading, "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow" and when I started, honestly, I had no idea that this would be the one story of all of yours that I've enjoyed the most to date. And I have to say, I've enjoyed every single one of them. Your stories and your writing just keep getting better and better.

So back to this one. It got to me. I think it's fair to say that author knows how to write when the reader gets emotional about a fictional character. That hot sex at the start with no set up leads the reader into the passion but with a sense of curiosity as the clues begin to drop about what's really going on. Her use of "farang", the condom, that insecurity and neediness, and then of course the "take me home with you" part that confirms her profession.

Chloe, you took such a common life scene (a Thai prostitute catering to Westerners) and breathed such deep life and emotion into it, but from the Thai prostitute's view rather than from the usual westerner having a good time. I really connected to her struggle as a desperate woman in the sex industry who hopes and seeks for love, as well as with the farang's search for love as they attempt to escape their problems back home. The way you wrote up her elation as she made breakfast, followed by his immediate command, "Kneel like that". You can feel the crash coming! I could go on and on, but I won't, I'll just end by saying it was your best yet.

Thank you for sharing with us.

and sad little story, told with your usual grace and elegance.

As written before, beautiful but so sad. Love your writing, Chloe!

4 *'s

Very few authors on this site successfully undertake second person writing. Chloe has made it work well, even with the switch to first person briefly when describing time with the next 'farang' customer.

This is anything but a nice lightweight story, being about the eternal disappointment experienced by a bar girl. It has included Chloe's trademark extended sexual coupling description, made relevant to this story by Karnchana's thoughts, emotions and hopes for it to become something more than just a commercial transaction.

Highly recommended. It's unfortunate that Chloe has left a few other extended multi-part stories hanging unfinished as yet, but this one has justified the lack of completion of the others.

Lue

Ps: Yes, Chloe, a version sung by a mature woman was more relevant to your story than the original sung by a group of 1960s angst-wracked teens.

In the history of the sub-continent, (yes Thailand is very much a part of the sub-continent), "firang" was the word given to the Portuguese first and later to the British.

Both the Portuguese and the British committed many atrocities in the sub-continent, including forcing the folks to learn English.

“Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?”

“You face is transparent, your enjoyment, your pleasure at the sight of me, it's tangible. Physical.”

--”Your face…”

You excel at minutely describing every sexual sensation from her point of view; it’s very erotic, detailed, sensory and intimate. Some authors skimp on this but you really begin and deepen the bond with each sentence.

“Banging on the wall. It doesn't matter. The walls are solid concrete. Thick and soundproof.”

Fragmenting the sentences matches the way he hammers her physically and emotionally and I think it’s a wonderful device--however, be careful it’s not overused so the story doesn’t take on a fragmented feel.

You relay the sense this farang (Thai for “white/European foreigner”) only uses her for his pleasure, although the novelty is she wishes to please him and you reveal this to us, although just midway down page 1 I already start feeling sorry for her because of how this will likely end.

"Okay," I gasp, my heart pounding as you peel the condom of your cock.

“...off your cock.”

Interesting how you contrast him starting gentle and then using her when you paint her thinking that when she was interrupted making breakfast.

You hit us right between the eyes with his denials once he sobers in the morning and it hurts to read her thoughts and reactions. How sad! Even though I’m a fellow resident of the state this fictional character is, I’d want to hunt him down for using her like that. What a bastard! It even makes me wonder if this reflects how most Thai females view American males. Your story comments about the Thai social life from her standpoint, of earning more money than her dad in a month, and doing this to invest to help the family and especially her sister to go to school. Wow.

Your story led me to look up several of the references, like yaa-baa which was methamphetamine.

This hits a reader right between the eyes and despite it being erotica and fiction, it damn sure sounds real in so many ways I’ve mentioned. What a terrible existence to live, day after day! Good writing describes but great writing involves us far more. You succeeded in so many ways that this is a hands-down 5. Well done.

So there are two big components to being an author; Writing and Storytelling.

Writing is the easy part, so I’ll start there. Writing is your biggest weakness. Sentence fragments, sentence run-ons. Repetitive phrasing. Now, these are tools that many authors, including myself, use to help set mood or establish tone. I think that’s largely what you’re going for, but you’re overusing all of them and that takes away their impact.

You’ve also got some inconsistent narration where it’s sometimes present tense and sometimes past tense. I do this. I did that. It’s one thing to fix that in editing, but I think you would be well served to make hard decisions for yourself before you start a piece saying “Ok. This is going to be in First person, and it’s going to be present tense.”

From a storytelling standpoint, this is really fantastic.

I appreciate attempting to approach a First Person/Second Person hybrid style, but I think it was a mistake in this situation. The story works because it continues after “I” leave and “You’re” still there, but how am “I” supposed to be listening then? It tugs at the heart strings, but it also strains my suspension of disbelief. You’re in a catch 22. You should only include “Me” if "I" am there for the whole story.

I felt like there was some inconsistent characterization. The protagonist is utterly overwhelmed by her john. She is barely holding off being head over heels for him. She’s afraid he’s going to say it (I love you), and when he does, she can’t help but fall and fall hard. That is painfully gorgeous and absolutely heart-wrenching…

...but then when she’s talking to her dad later, she describes herself, in comparison to her sister, as much less romantic and more level-headed. That’s not who we saw in the beginning. We saw a full-blown romantic. It’s hard to tell how much of that is the protagonist lying to themselves and how much of it is you, Chloe, writing the character differently from page to page.

The first half of the first page was a little overly dramatic. I was shocked when the moment came in the story when I realized that penetration hadn’t happened yet because she was already writhing and moaning and oh I’ve never felt this way, and I love what you do to my body. It felt like watching lesbian porn, and the two women are tribbing and can’t stop whimpering at the top of their lungs. It doesn’t feel that good. I could see if she was putting on a show for the john, but this was her internal narrative that was so flowery. That’s disingenuous.

I loved the protagonist’s narrative after her john left. The heartbreak. The way she drifts home, and then back to work the next day. I love the way you colored her world. I loved how we could see the level to which she is jaded rising slowly.

***I did have one big correction for you, and that is that Whiskey Dick does not work like you think it does. Whiskey Dick is not a good thing. It is alcohol-related erectile dysfunction. Heavy drinking doesn’t lower the libido or the ability to orgasm, but it does affect the ability of the penis to become hard enough for extended penetration, or any penetration at all.***

I loved the main character. I loved that she was flawed. I loved the setting. I loved the plot. I loved the ending, with the guy from San Fransisco, and the feeling that it was all just going to repeat for her. That the wheel would keep turning, breaking her down a little more with every rotation. It was honest and brutal, and it hit home for me. I had feels. You should be really proud of this piece.

re:

committed many atrocities in the sub-continent, including forcing the folks to learn English.

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Having the Asians learn the international language of business was an atrocity?

An atrocity against who?

I'm impressed, as I usually am, by your craftsmanship. Use of second person in a story like this is a huge ask of the reader, but you manage to make it work and make it genuinely hot; I can't find a way in to the "farang" asshole around whom the main encounter revolves, but I don't have to, it's really about how the main character perceives him and that aspect of it is very well calibrated.

I think you're using unusual conventions effectively, like someone who knows enough about the "rules" of prose fiction to know how and when to "break" them. I would have liked to see a true follow-up erotic set-piece to counterbalance the counterfeit romanticism of the opener, and wanting there to be more of a story is the biggest compliment I can pay to a piece of writing.

All in all I think it was well done. 5*.

Deep in the guts, that's a kick deep in the guts. Your advocacy of working girls is to be admired, voices like this are so important. What the extended commentaries say, plus one.

It's not a subject often mentioned.

I cannot say that I 'enjoyed it' but it made me think a bit.

You write very well, and I thank you.

HP

Awesome as always. I would definitely listen to the advice of the grammar nazis but don't make a federal case out of it. Your style is part of what makes you one of my favorites. It's very visceral.

Very much the reality, but not the same emotional impact. It'd be an interesting challenge to write a story around that as well.

Am I the only one with yellow fever?

Okay, your lucky day. None of my stories are black and white, they're ALL either Chinese or Korean girls. Go read to your hearts content.

Different places and a different time, but the girls were the same, except when they weren't. This one hits too close to home. Ten stars if I could.

Chloe, i have really enjoyed many of your stories but this is another level higher again.

Please keep writing all your stories.

I would have read close to 10,000 stories on this site :o ! and today i found a new 'best ever'

SA

I have never leaved comments here before EVER. But since I'm Thai woman and this is about Thai woman, I would like to point out a few things. First of all, the use of "Karnchana" name is not common. Karnchana is a real, given name. Most Thai people won't use their real name on daily basis, they use nickname. Especially for farangs, they probably have a hard time pronouncing it. And especially bar girls/side-line or in this case, prostitute, they will only use nickname, preferably English-based name like Apple (or Ple), Suzie or common Thai nicknames like Meow (as in a cat). So it's kinda irking me a bit when the farang moaning her name Karnchana over and over again since it's impossible. I hope if you write another story about Thai people again, you should have 2 names for each of them, real and nickname, and use nickname as the main one.

Anyway, I really like the insecurities and the hardship you portrait on her part, trying to earn her keep for her family while losing herself and her hope as well. It makes her more human and reminds us that even when farangs or any people deem them "money-grabbing" or "gold-digging" whores, mostly they are still yearning for something deeper. It's like a stigma for Thai women that now many foreigners think of us as hungry for money. Ok, I won't deny some of them are really that. Even fellow Thai women prejudice them as a lower class and not worth it. But some of them are forced into prostitution and some of them just think they only worth being a whore. So great story line. Although this plot is not my liking but it made me cry a bit since I have never really thought of these people in this light before and it deserves my stars.

Speechless. You've combined erotica, character study, social and cultural commentary. I'm turned on, sad, intrigued and in awe. Well done.

Brilliantly written as usual, sad and insightful, erotic and earthy.

Like many of your readers, I have read hundreds of authors on this site and you are in the top five.

I look forward to each one of your stories, I hope you are going to give a conclusion to the story of the girl picked up by the biker, so far she still hasn't lost her virginity, I think there is still a ton of potential in this story line.

Please keep writing and submitting.

You young lady, are in my top three of writers on this site, I have read all your stories and I am glad you are back with new ones! As a retired Marine who has been to Thailand 4 times, 3 times for 2 weeks of vacation, the Thai people I found to be very nice and the Thai women are absolutely beautiful. Your story...I was on the receiving end of "No"..."Pen" was her name (..shorten of her Thai name for us "farang's...) she was kind, beautiful, sexy and I treated her right as a man should... it is STILL a wonderful memory....Thanks for the story young lady!

The story is good. I disagree with azuremaiden. I think by using her real name vs her cher Len or play name she is telling the story as she sees it in her mind. Maybe she so in love she wanted him to call out her name? And to kept the narrative going with her name so the reality of her dad calling asking for money.. Knowing what she did for it, is why she feels the darkness around her. I am Thai and I never think of my self in the play name, only others do. Maybe she also does the auto translate in her head.

sehr gut geschrieben

A touching short story, very sad and very true to life. A story, I think, that needed to be written. With some careful editing to tone down the sex, it could well merit publication in a mainstream magazine.

Totally reminds me of my time spent in Korea with the US Army. I felt so badly for the young lady trying to improve her life. Made me feel guilty.

Surprisingly tender and realistic portrayal of the life of some to the bar girls in Thailand.

Thank you, Chloe, for another excellent story!

I loved how my own feelings followed along in the arc of Karnchana’s feelings, from secret forbidden desire to guarded optimism to speculative hope to almost certain joy, then the plunge into cold quenching sober grief. As I read, I could not get a good idea whether to expect a Hollywood ending - the tone and setting hinted against it, but I held out a diminishing hope for our little star, even until the end. This isn’t the first Chloe Tzang story to make me cry, and likely won’t be the last.

The sex narrative was top notch as I expected. And the butterfly metaphor is fantastic!!

Poignant

Every Asian girls dream