Love Lost, Love Found

"I should have told you as soon as Kyle started hitting on me. At first there was nothing to tell. I wasn't even aware of what he was doing. And when I suddenly realized there was something going on, I felt guilty and didn't know how to tell you." Pulling her even closer, "And then it was too late to tell you. It was so unforgivable I just couldn't force myself to admit what I was doing, confess and tell you everything. I...well, I don't know what I was thinking.

"It ate me alive every time I thought about what we were doing or saw you, and I was so ashamed, I just started to stay away from you. Somehow I figured it would just all work out.

"I talked to Kyle and he kept telling me that you two were essentially separated, you didn't love him any more, but you just hadn't filed the papers yet. You had an understanding. I knew in the back of my mind it was all crap! But i was afraid to discuss it with you. i was afraid you'd confirm that he was lying. But I loved him, Ava. I am so sorry."

Breaking their embrace and looking directly into Emily's eyes, "Can we talk? I mean, when you're done here?"

"Yes! We are going to talk for hours, days...whatever, if you'll let me. Forever, I hope. Why don't you stand with me? You know these folks as well as I do. Mom would've wanted that."

Thirty minutes later the last of the visitors had made their condolences and passed the casket. The casket was empty. Iris had been cremated, no burial. Emily grabbed Ava's hand and dragged her into a vestibule bathed in the light of the sun as it streamed through a stained glass window.. They sat knee to knee, hand in hand, eyes locked.

Suddenly, Ava gasped."Emily! Where's your ring? Did I cause that? Did I do something?"

"No! No, absolutely not." Laughing, "Other than standing up in front of a hundred folks and calling me out, going into labor and dumping stuff all over the floor? i thoght the hazmat team was going to be called.

"No, absolutely nothing! Really though, it was a wake up call. I should have called it off after you spoke. When I realized what had actually happened. Well, I should have called it off before the wedding. Should have come to my senses. I thought about what I'd just said and realized that Kyle had been working on me since right after you got married. I never even realized it until it was too late! Oh, God, Ava, I'm so sorry for what I did."

"It's alright, Emily. Over, done. But you got married."

Looking down, "Yes. I knew I shouldn't. I knew I shouldn't go through with it, I should run out of the church, especially since his vows...Ava, his vows were the same as he said to you! I remembered them." Crying again, "but I was so confused...and all the people were there... and I didn't want to disappoint my folks.

"But I knew. I knew I was making a mistake and it was confirmed when he didn't even want to go see his daughter. I practically begged him to go, but he wouldn't. He insisted she wasn't his and your cheating on him was part of the reason the two of you got the divorce. I knew it wasn't true. I knew your baby was his. He never paid any child support or anything did he?"

"No, it was in the divorce settlement that he would, but he didn't. But then I didn't want him to be involved and claim some sort of rights to her when he didn't want to be involved from the get go. He signed away his rights to her. He said she wasn't his anyway. Heck, he should still be paying. It's been a little tough. But I still live with Mom and she's helped me a lot.

"But I really missed our little house and all the plants I'd put in, my roses."

Laughing, "Oh, come on Ava. You can't tell me you didn't rip out all the ones you liked best, divided your perennials, took every seed available as well as cuttings."

Returning her laughter, "You're right. My whole car was full. It took an extra trip! I was going to take a couple of the small trees too, but the realtor told me not to because the house had been listed with them on the property."

They laughed. "I knew it! I didn't have to go through that. We had an apartment and Kyle left after our separation so I didn't have to. He's out west somewhere, California, I think."

Grief and remorse painted her face, "Every time he touched me, all I saw was the look on your face as our eyes met, met that night you caught us and then at the wedding. Oh, Ava, I am so sorry. They haunted me. They still do."

"Over. Done."

"So anyway, I wasn't much of a wife and he was worse as a husband. I stuck it out for a year, but couldn't take it any longer and moved in with my folks for a while then back to the apartment. I don't know for sure, I never looked into it, but it seemed he was working on someone else while we were married." Sighing, "I don't know. How the hell did we both end up with such a loser?"

"I'm so sorry, Emily. Tell you what, why don't we both just add Kyle to that huge stack of mistakes we've made together? Another skeleton in our closet, another body in the ditch..."

Laughing again and reaching out to touch Ava's hand, "Damn, between high school and college, we have a pretty big stack, don't we? If people only knew...Alright, then. Over. Done. So how's your little girl? What's her name?"

"Rose. She's wonderful. She's with Mom. Mom really wants to see you."

"Man, I miss her a lot too. My other mother. Ava, I just hate the fact that you delivered the baby alone. I thought about you our whole wedding night. Guess it wasn't a surprise that it didn't work out, right?" They chuckled.

Ava hesitated, then spoke, "I wasn't alone, Em. Your mom was there just about the whole time and after her drive, my mom was too."

"So that's where she went! Dad said she wasn't feeling well and went to rest. I thought it was just the revelation at the wedding that had done her in. I never told her, Ava. Never told anyone. No one at the wedding even had an inkling. Until someone stood up in the back of the room and revealed the truth for everyone. Kinda put a damper on everyone's enthusiasm.

"If Mom was with you, that explains why she looked exhausted as we left for the honeymoon. She never said a thing!"

Looking down a moment then back into Emily's eyes, "Once I delivered, she bought all sorts of things for Rose. I guess she and Mom worked on a list of what I didn't have already. You name it, she got it. She wouldn't let me pay her back. And Emily? She's been coming up every month or so and stays overnight. We have so much fun...or did. She's been like Rose's other grandma. But she never mentioned anything about you or Kyle and I never asked. I should have. I should have asked about you." New tears rolled out of her eyes and down her cheeks.

"So that's where she's been going. She always talks about visiting an old friend. And I guess she was. Dad was fine with her going so I never questioned it. Oh, Ava, I've missed you so much, but I'm ashamed to say that I've been too scared to talk to you. But never again. Looks like we're done here, why don't we head to Mom's house and check in on Dad. Then we have a lot of catching up to do. After that, I want to meet Rose. She's in Southern Pines or did she come with you?"

Three months later Emily called Ava. "Ava! My dad's selling our house. Too many memories for him, he says, and is moving to Fort Myers, I know, way too hot, right? But he's moving there to be with his sister and brother and getting a condo in some retirement community. Yup! I told him he was too young to live there, but he told me there were all kinds of widows and lonely women there.

"Yeah! Can you believe he said that! Just trying to get a rise out of me, but it may be just what he needs--he still misses her so. So, I'm going to help him move and then...okay, I'm just going to say it. I got a job managing the sports store in Southern Pines and I'm going to move there too. IF! If it's alright with you, I mean..."

"Don't be stupid, Emily. I'd love you to live here. In fact, you have to stay with us until you get situated. Damn, I am so excited about this and Rose will love having Auntie Emily close at hand. You've really built a bond with her. This is terrific! So what's the plan? How can we help..."

BART

Picking up his cellphone from the kitchen counter where he was preparing dinner for the girls,"Hey, Hon. Thanks for calling. I was just about to give you a buzz. How's the vacation with the girls going? I thought you were coming home today, did I get it wrong?"

"No, you didn't get it wrong. You got it exactly right. Except for the fact that I'm not with the girls and I'm not coming home."

He hesitated, processing what he'd just heard. "I don't understand."

"No, you wouldn't so let me spell it out for you. I'm not with the girls, I'm with Chayce. I'm not in Atlanta, I'm on Grand Cayman Island. Seven Mile Beach to be precise. And I'm not coming home ever. You will be served with divorce papers on Monday."

"Chayce Rollins...from work?"

"Yes, Chayce Rollins from work."

"So, you're..."

"Damn, Bart. I can't believe I've been with you for seven years. Yes! I am having an affair with Chayce Rollins and I'm leaving you."

"Look, if this was just kind of a wild idea or something, we could go to a marriage counselor... or something."

"This is exactly why I'm doing this on the phone." Yelling to someone else, "Chayce, honey, will you get me another drink? Thanks. Bart, Chayce and I have been together for a year. You are just so trusting and dense that I didn't really need to hide it. It was right under your nose the whole time. But none of that matters."

"But why? I thought we were happy? I mean, I don't understand."

"It doesn't matter why, Bart? We got married too young, we grew apart, it's my fault not yours, it just happened...How many excuses do you want to hear?"

"Those are all cliches, Tiff. What's the real reason?"

"I was kind of hoping to keep this simple and not go there, Bart. Are you sure you want to hear it?"

"Yes, please."

She sighed, "Because I'm young. I want excitement, thrills, travel. I don't want to be married to a guy who thinks a vacation is going to the beach with the kids, playing in the sand with them and 'Hey, kids, why don't we hit Gatorama!' I want to go to Vegas, LA, Paris, Rome. Not going to do that on you junior insurance salesman's salary.

"And you know damn well how upset you'd be if I peed away a whole twenty dollars in the slots." Simulating his voice, "'But the college fund.' I want somebody who will party with me, get drunk and ravish me. Hell, Bart, if I were a fly on our bedroom wall watching us I'd be praying for someone to swat me just to end the boredom. And that thing of yours..."

"Hell, Hon. Ouch! Take it easy on the poor guy."

"No, I'm not going to take it easy on him. He pisses me off, Chayce. He should have just said okay and been done with things. He always says okay to everything I want. But he wanted to know why, so he's getting his answers."

He could hear her take a breath and the ice clink in the glass as she finished another one. "So anyway, that's what Chayce has been doing. Ravishing me, stimulating me, doing things to me you only dreamed of. Things I think you're probably incapable of anyway, Bart."

'You never said anything. Not a single complaint. Not a single word. I thought we were happy."

"And that's the problem, Bart."

"But I can change."

"No you can't, Bart. It's the way you're wired. You will always be good old, dependable, predictable, nicest guy in the world, never get angry Bart. Boring! And look at you. 6'1" and not a muscle in your whole friggin' body. Look down at that roll you have. Terminal donelop disease, your belly done lopped over your belt."

He got angry, but then laughed. "You've got to be shitting me! You're calling me fat when you've always been fat as shit, Tiff, dear, and I never said a damn thing. Baby weight? Bullshit. I married you with a shitload of baby weight except there was no baby.

"You lose weight a year ago for the first time since I've known you and now you're some kind of supermodel or something? And remember, Tiff, virtually 100% of those who lose weight regain it. Let me just ask you, was the 'oh so wonderful' Chayce interested in you two years ago? Will he still be interested a year from now when the 'baby weight' returns?"

He paused feeling guilty about getting angry, losing control and hurting her. There was silence on her end. She didn't know how to respond. He'd never once mentioned her weight. Not even when she got huge with Mackenzie. "What about the kids, OUR kids? What about the house, OUR house. What about everything we've fucking built together, Tiff?"

There was continued silence on the other end of the phone. She'd never heard him angry before, never heard him swear--oh sure, a hell or a damn here or there but-- and was stunned especially since it was directed at her. Further, she'd never heard him issue a personal attack towards anyone, ever.

Taking a deep breath, "Bart, done is done. You can have the kids, I never wanted to be a mom anyway. The house, everything. It's all in the agreement. My sister will be over tomorrow morning to get my clothes and jewelry and drop off my rings. Never liked the style anyway, nothing personal."

"No, who the hell could take that personally? This is all personal, Tiff!"

Ignoring his retort, "Oh, and she'll pick up my car. I'm leaving my wasted seven years behind and going to have fun from here on out. Take care, Bart."

The line went dead. He stood at the counter not moving. Staring at nothing. What had just happened? In one phone call, the foundations of his life were wiped out. Everything he thought he could count on, the woman he relied on, trusted...his partner had been cheating on him for a year? A damned year! And he didn't realize it?

She was right. He was so stinking dense and trusting he never once questioned those evening meetings or business overnights. He never checked her phone, computer, charge card receipts. But why would he? He loved her, trusted her. She kissed him all the time, told him she loved him. They had sex a few times each week and not always the same old thing. They mixed it up!

Then the flood of self doubts got worse and he started to wallow in the feelings of failure, incompetence, insecurity. All the feelings he'd had before he met her. One of the hardest things in his life had been to go up and ask her if she would go on a date with him. She was so beautiful and seemed so nice. He was instantly drawn to her, but knew in his mind that at least one of his testicles would roll down his pant's leg if she said no, but she didn't.

He was starting to lose it, fall apart it when, "Daddy? When is dinner going to be ready? Chris and I are starving." Back to reality, a four and five year old to care for. No days off from here on out.

"Sorry, Holly. It's taking longer than I thought. Why don't we scrap it. How'd you like to go get a pizza instead?"

"Mac! Get your coat! We're getting pizza!"

No time to wallow. He picked up the phone and ordered their usual, half pepperoni and half cheese, along with bread sticks. They loved those. Same store, same pizza, same size. Maybe Tiff was right. Maybe it was time to think of a change. Or, hell, he could just wallow in self-pity tonight. That'd be fun. He chuckled to himself and picked up his keys. Plenty of time for pain, anguish and wallowing in failure later, after the girls were in bed.

But he needed to figure out how he was going to manage all this. Single dad, two incomes down to one income and he doubted he would ever see child support. And what was he going to tell the girls? His folks? Shit!

"...and the frog prince lived happily ever after." He closed the book.

"One more, Daddy, please?"

"Nope. It's already past bedtime. Now you two horrible little girls get into bed and go to sleep. Aunt Molly is coming in the morning and may need our help." He choked up and tears formed. He wiped them away.

"What's wrong, Daddy?"

"Nothing. I just love that story. And I love you two. Now give me a kiss. And no biting! No shark kisses." He hugged each in turn as he tucked them into their beds in their shared bedroom. Going to need separate bedrooms soon he realized. Maybe he could clean out the office and move all that stuff into 'their' bedroom...'Their' bedroom no longer.

"Daddy? When is Mommy coming home?" He stopped dead in mid thought. Reality strangled him. He could barely think, let alone talk. But he forced himself to maintain control.

"Mommy has to be away for a while. She has things she has to do." He wanted to say she was away because she was a fucking bitch, but didn't think that was a good idea. Or saying that she hadn't come home yet because she was busy whoring around and oh, by the way, she wants nothing to do with you two, but he could never do that to the girls. He could blame work, but he didn't want the girls to dislike the idea of work. He liked his job his job, didn't he? Maybe not. A dead end thankless job in a cubicle. Plenty to think about, but jumping back to the present, a generic answer, for now.

"I miss her, Daddy."

"Me too. Now go to sleep! Pancakes in the morning!"

He lay in bed staring at the ceiling, wishing he were a drinking man and could make the world blur into oblivion. But he knew he'd never do that. The girls might need him. 'Just too responsible and dependable.' He wallowed in self doubt, self pity. He performed a whole life review. He thought back to everything she'd said and their whole relationship.

It dawned on him that he had three choices. As he'd already considered, he could start drinking and blur the memories, but if all the country songs were right, that just made it worse. None of them ever seemed to successfully drink their problems away and most wanted to pick up the phones and call their exes. He smiled to himself, and memories of her could be like one of those bdsm sites where they heap abuse on you for a price. And he was sure that if he called her, she'd do it for free. Sounded like a great time, but again, he had responsibilities. He was 'too responsible and dependable' after all.

He could wallow in the pain and self pity and hope that in time he would feel better. While that seemed the easiest, he just didn't want to grant her any more power or control over his life. And again, the girls. They would need him once they realized Mommy was not coming back. It wouldn't help them if he trudged around like some sad clown with runny makeup and tears in his eyes all the time. Damn, how was he going to handle that question about where their mommy was? Shit, maybe he could find something online. Everything else was there.

So...option number three. The 'Screw you, bitch! You're history!' option. Even as he said it aloud he felt the fires start, his new anger fed the flames, and the flames fed the anger. Anger at himself, anger at Tiffany. They grew and he could feel the wildfire burning his heart, scorching his soul, consuming his whole world as he'd known it and everything in it.

As the fires grew he threw every memory of her into it. First date, first time, proposal, marriage, vacations. Hopes, dreams, growing old together. As the thoughts came to him, he threw them into the fire. Tears, pain, frustration at himself and his life, into the fire. Grief, heartache, sorrow, longing, all traces of love for Tiffany, into the fire. He'd pretty much been drifting along...happy, content, but what she'd said struck home and created anger at himself as well.

The flames roared hour after hour as he stared at the ceiling. Seven years worth of memories as well as all their future plans. He knew every bump, every irregularity in that ceiling. He was sweating, clutching handfuls of the sheet and ripping it as the visions in the flames consumed him.

On and on, one feeling, one remembrance, one recollection at a time. But then, slowly, the flames started running out of fuel as resolutions formed in his head. Slowly the fires cooled to smoke and glowing embers. His love for Tiffany and his memories were finally transformed to cool embers and ashes. He threw water on the ashes and washed them away, forever.