Glory Beyond the Hole

"If you don't mind me saying," I persisted, dropping a bit of my affected professionalism, "You are an attractive young lady. I imagine you could easily get a date if you were so inclined. There must be some reason you go to have anonymous sex instead. What do you get out of it that you can't get in a date? What makes it better?" She looked at me viciously. Her eyes were inflamed and her face was flushed.

"You don't know anything," she said, "This was a mistake, you can't understand," she said. I became nervous that things were rushing out of control.

"What do you mean?"

"There is nothing better about that place. It is just better than being completely alone. It is better than just cutting myself out of the world entirely. But it isn't better. You don't understand that I can't get a date. Or that I could get a date, but that it wouldn't go beyond that. It is my destiny to be alone. This is just something I do to numb the pain. It isn't better," she said. I was shocked. I hadn't expected this at all. She sounded like...me. "You don't feel some sort of connection to the people there? Something that gives you hope?"

"Hope?" she asked incredulous, "No I don't go there for that." The tears were flowing now and she buried her face in her hands, "What did I expect? I can't believe I did this, I knew what would happen? For a little fucking money!" she said, crying harder now. It was clear she was talking to herself.

"You don't feel anything good about going there?"

"I feel like when I have a ton of anxiety, I go there and I feel okay for a minute. And then I just feel ashamed but I don't feel anxious for a while. It is not good, but it is less bad," she said. I could see her biting her finger after she spoke, like she was trying to release some anxiety right then. Her range of emotions felt incredibly familiar. I felt dizzy and confused.

"I..." I started to ask another question but she cut me off.

"I go there because I want to feel a little bit like other people get to feel. To have a person in their life that they make feel good. And to have that person want me in a way that no one wants me outside of that room. To feel like I am desirable and sexy and loving and loved. Just for a minute. That is why I go." She started to cry harder now. I felt completely out of my depth. It was like I was speaking to myself. She was so beautiful. How could she think these things? What sort of connection had I felt with her? Mutual pity.

"Michele, I don't understand what is wrong. Please explain it to me," I stated. I stood now and walked hallway across her living room to be closer to her. She looked up now, her eyes were red and she looked desperate.

"You don't understand what it is like to be me. You don't know what it is like to know that you are supposed to be alone. That people, if they really knew everything about you, that they'd think you were disgusting. You don't know what it's like to feel like you're only way to get a connection with a person is to suck it out of a stranger's cock in a dirty bathroom. Didn't you say that I didn't have to talk to you? I am done, I don't want to talk anymore. Please leave and don't bother me again. Here, I will give you the complete answer to all of your questions before you go. Why do I do what I do? Because I hate myself but hate my loneliness more. And you see a pretty girl or something and you think I am a slut and you can't possibly understand what it is like to be me. But thanks for letting me know that my self-hatred and my loneliness make me some kind of object of intellectual curiosity, that really fucking helps." she said.

This had all happened so fast. This was nothing like anything I'd planned. I stood in the middle of her apartment completely dumbfounded. She was still curled on the chair, her eyes closed and her cheeks glistening with tears. I felt horrible. I turned and started to walk away, I wanted to give her back at least a little of the peace I'd just stolen from her. I'd never wanted to hurt her.

I reached the door and put my hand on the knob. Then I looked back at her curled, beautiful body. I saw the pain that was trapped inside that body. I had made it worse. I hadn't intended it, but I had been negligent with her. I had been so intent on pumping her for information that I'd disregarded her feelings. I pushed through her discomfort with lies and deceit. I'd breached the wall she'd clearly built around her insecurities. I knew what that was like, that was the fear I had every day. How could I leave her like this? More importantly, how could I fix it instead?

For a moment I just stood at the door, wondering what I could do. I tried to think of words of reassurance I could say to make her feel better, but there was nothing there. Just like she had no wisdom for me I had none for her. Words were insufficient. I thought of going to her and comforting her and telling her that everything would be okay. But would that be more lying? I had to act, but it had to be honest and it had to treat her with respect.

A thought burst into my mind. It was white hot with the intensity of the truth contained within. But, like anything white hot, it promised danger and I recoiled from the strength of that idea. I felt my stomach tie up in knots and my heart pound in my chest before the idea was even fully formed. My nerves were completely on edge as I realized the only honest thing I could do. I had come into Michele's life with lies and promises and I'd torn away her shields. The only way to make it right was to tell the truth and bare my own insecurities. To throw her a lifeline in her misery, even if all I could add was that I did understand.

I knew what that meant, but I didn't know if I could do it. But as I looked at this frail girl crying on the couch, I realized something. She was a young woman on her own for the first time and she felt crushed. She was exactly like I was in college. What would I have given for someone at least tell me at that moment I was not alone? Even if my savior had been at least as screwed up as I was, it wouldn't have mattered. If I helped Michele, it would be like going back and helping myself as well. That gave me the strength to let go of the doorknob. I walked quietly back through the room until I was standing just a few feet from Michele's chair.

I stood for a few moments, my chest rising and falling and looking at her. Finally, she realized I was still there. She looked up with her reddened eyes with confusion and some anger.

"Why are you still here? Just go, I don't want your money," she said as her thin, white fingers flipped tears out of her eyes. Her voluminous lips quivered as she looked at me. Suddenly, my nerves calmed and I felt that I could go forward.

"You said that I wouldn't understand what you feel like to be alone. That I wouldn't understand why you'd go to that place for anonymous liaisons. I lied to you when I came in," I said, taking a deep breath to keep going. Michele's eyebrows furrowed but she did not move, "My name is Rose but I am not a sex researcher. I am not a doctor. I go to that place too. I just saw you there and wanted to know if...if you knew something I didn't. Because..."

I realized there was nothing more to say, it was time to act. Michele still said nothing, she looked dazed, like I'd flooded her with too much information. That day I'd dressed up as I thought a sex researcher might. My hair was up, I was wearing a white blouse under a gray sweater, a long black skirt, and wedge shoes. I kicked the shoes off and pulled the pins out of my hair first. As I shook out my hair, I unbuttoned my sweater and let it drop onto the floor.

Michele was no longer crying. She was looking at me as if I'd gone insane. Perhaps I had. But I also knew that I had a connection with her. I'd been right all along. We weren't bound by her knowledge of what it would take to make me happy or her sexual acumen. We were bound as two lonely hearts who had come to same place to feel some small measure of compassion. So I didn't stop.

I started to unbutton my blouse quickly. It sounds crazy, but now I wanted to be out of my clothes. When the blouse was undone I threw it on the ground and reached behind my back and quickly unhooked my black bra. I let my bra slide down my arms and dropped it as well. Finally, this seemed to wake up Michele. "What are you doing?" she said in a far-off and distant sort of way.

"I am done hiding. I am done hurting myself and others for the sake of hiding," I said. Michele's apartment was drafty and I immediately felt my nipples harden in the cool air. I felt her eyes go over my body. She stayed on the chair, not sure of how to take my last comment.

I found the zipper on the side of my skirt and pulled it down far enough for the fabric to loosen. My skirt pooled on the floor at my feet and now I stood, topless and in my little red panties with my guard as low as it had been in years. A brief moment of panic swept through me, but I kept my eyes on Michele, and on my younger self as well. It was time to accept who I was.

I slipped my fingers into the waistband of my panties and bent over slightly at the waist. I gently inched them down and over my ass. As I slipped them, I grabbed hold of the edge of the tape that held my cock up against my body. I winced as I pulled it off in one motion. I slid my panties down and dropped the tape on top of them on the floor. Then I stood facing Michele. I was completely nude now, I looked down at my limp cock hanging between my legs and then looked back at Michele.

"I understand exactly what you feel because I feel the same way every day. But I don't want to feel that way anymore," I said. Here I was exposed to a person for the first time in years. I felt a lump in my throat and tears were welling in my eye. It was so intense.

Michele was sitting on the chair with her head tilted slightly to the side. Her eyes were like saucers and her mouth was slightly agape. I could not tell what her expression showed. I thought perhaps confusion and curiosity, but in my heart I feared what it truly was: disgust and hatred. I felt extremely cold now and more alone that I'd been in a long time. I was out there. I had done what I thought was right, but I thought I'd just done something horrible to myself again.

"I know you," Michele said, just barely above a whisper. I looked down at her and she was looking up at me. Her eyes looked so innocent and lovely.

"What do you mean?"

"Your...cock. I recognize it. From last week, last Wednesday," she said, more shocked than anything. I hadn't expected this.

"How?" was all I could ask.

"There is a little freckle or something on the bottom of the tip, on the right side. I recognize it," she said. I looked at her lips and wondered what any of this meant.

"Look, I have broken so many trusts with you," I said, feeling nervous now, "I just wanted to show you why I go to that place. I don't know everything there is to know about you, I just wanted you to know that you aren't the only person who feels that way." Michele nodded slightly. At least she wasn't throwing up or attacking me I guess. But then she looked up at me and gave me the same sultry smile she'd given me once through the hole in the pet shop bathroom.

"You know more than you think," she said. And, without speaking further, she grabbed the bottom hem of her sweatshirt and quickly pulled it up over her head. She wasn't wearing a bra and as the shirt landed in a pile on the floor with mine I saw the top of her body exposed. Her breasts looked large out of her clothes, big white mounds of perky flesh. Her nipples were small and the same wonderful pink color of her lips. Now it was my turn to be dumbfounded. I hadn't expect this, though I didn't know what I was expecting.

Now Michele stood up quickly, her breasts bouncing freely as she did so. She grabbed onto the waistband of her yoga pants and quickly started to slink them down off of her body. She bent over as I had done, pulling them down her calves and then stepping out of them. Then she stood up. My eyes traveled down from her perky breast to the dramatic synch of her hips and widening of her hips. Between her legs, waxed completely bare, was a flaccid cock, around the same size as my own. My head swam. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Michele was...just like me.

We stood opposite one another for a few seconds, both of us too in shock to do anything more. I kept scanning my eyes over her body. I couldn't believe how much better I thought her body looked like that than if she'd looked like a genetic girl. It was just perfect on her. I felt her eyes on my body as well.

"I have been thinking about you since that day last week," she said carefully, blushing a bit. Another shock.

"Why?"

"The same reason you apparently followed me," she said, "You felt it didn't you?"

"A connection?" I asked and she nodded, "That, unlike the other little fun experiences, that there was something passing between us at that moment. Something we shared?"

"I didn't know what it meant, I didn't think you felt it. I thought I was crazy," she explained, new tears in her eyes now, less bitter. I felt them too, falling from my eyes.

"I saw your lips, so unique, and I used them to find you," was all I could say.

"I try so hard to keep people away from me," she said and it was like I was talking to myself, "I didn't understand how you could get into my head when I never saw your face and you didn't know who I was."

"I don't understand it either," I said, "But it was the same for me. The fact that you could get through all of my defenses, it has to mean something." I said. She smiled. Suddenly, the need for human contact, the need that I suppressed at all times with every fiber of my being, overcame the last of my fear and my resolve. I took two steps forward and wrapped my arms around Michele's neck.

"Rose," she breathed as I did so. Not to say anything of meaning, just to say my name. I felt her arms reach around my body just a few inches below my breasts. I felt her hands pull me in tightly. Our breasts were pressed together and I could feel the heat of her body against mine. I leaned back slightly, so that I was looking deeply into her doe-eyes.

"Michele," I said back and she grinned with those beautiful lips and sparkling teeth. Then her face grew more solemn.

"How do you feel about the way my body looks Rose?" she asked. She knew the answer, but needed to hear me say it.

"It is beautiful, I wouldn't dare change a thing," I said and a shuddering breath ran through her body. She nodded sublimely, "And me? What about my body?" I asked, feeling just as she had. I had longed to hear what she was going to say next my entire life. I felt every disappointment lying heavily upon me. All those people from my past. Michele could cure me with just a few words.

"You are perfect. I love your body," she said. I felt almost a decade of anxiety wash out of my body. It drained in a flood from my mind, dropped to my feet, and slipped into the floor. We were both still crying and giggling slightly as we held one another. I felt Michele's nipples against my breast and I looked at her lips. Those beautiful lips that had let me to her. I closed my eyes and leaned towards her.

Michele's neck craned forward to meet me. I felt my lips press into hers. They were just as soft and inviting as I'd remembered, though this felt more lovely that before. I tilted my head to the side and luxuriated in the pillowy embrace of her lips. For a while we just offered a passionate, but closed mouth kiss. I felt her arms squeeze me tighter and our breasts were now mashed together completely. Finally, I felt Michele's mouth open slightly and I felt her hot tongue slide across my lips. I trembled at the feeling, but opened my mouth in response. Michele drug her tongue against my lips again, this time sliding between them and licking my desperate tongue. Her mouth tasted sweet and heady.

I opened my mouth wider now and licked her lower lip slightly. She giggled and then moved her tongue more deeply into my mouth. My tongue found hers. In the wide cavern we now shared as a single mouth her tongue played along my teeth and gums, rubbed my tongue, and tasted deeply of me. My tongue did the same, I explored the taste and feel of her mouth. I enjoyed the sandpapery feel of the top of her tongue and the way my own tongue slid slickly across her teeth. I grabbed hold of Michele's tongue, sucking it with my mouth, pulling her into me and tasting her sweet saliva.

Even while I was kissing her my hands were moving. My left hand snaked down Michele's back, feeling her spine and her soft skin. My right hand rose up, slipping until her thin neck and into her thick hair. Michele's hands massaged all over my back, slowly and with intense concentration. As she rubbed my muscles, she pushed me farther and farther into her breasts.

But now I sensed a new sensations. Michele and I were holding one another so close that would legs were pressed flat together. Even as Michele began to suck on my tongue, I felt the blood rushing between my legs. I felt my cock rising up between our bodies and I didn't feel ashamed of it. I loved her body and was glad that mine was reacting to her. More exciting still, I could feel her cock hardening. I could feel its bulbous, hard head pressing against my thigh.

I broke our kiss and looked at Michele. I pushed back a little, placing my hands on her shoulders. That put a little space between us and I looked down between our bodies. Our breasts were just a few inches apart and, down between us, my cock was crossed against hers. I could feel the velvety smooth skin of her cock against mine. I felt like my body was overheating. What had started as a sweet hug and a closed mouth kiss was getting stronger. I was no longer just relieved and gratified by Michele's attention; I could feel the animal need to have her rising inside of me. And I didn't feel bad or disgusting about it. I could see in her eyes that she wanted it as well.

"Do you want to come to my room?" she asked sweetly. I nodded. We broke our hug and Michele took my hand and started to lead me through the kitchen. I was a step behind her and I watched her firm young ass as we walked. I was completely checked out of all of my insecurities now, I was thinking solely of sex. And it felt liberating.

She pulled me into her bedroom and swung me around so that I landed back first against the wall. It was a small room, there was a bed in the middle. I am going to be honest, those details didn't really matter to me at the time. Instead, I was focused as Michele walked up where I was standing against the wall and pressed her body up against me again. I could feel her cock throbbing against my hip and her breasts hot against my stomach. Her hands came up and grabbed my left breast. She lifted it slightly and then turned her eyes up so that she was staring up at me. She bit her lower lips.

"Suck on my nipples baby," I said and she immediately dropped her head. I watched as my nipple disappeared into her mouth and gasped at the sensation. I'd never had this done to me before and it felt divine. Her skilled tongue swirled around my nipple while her hands massaged both of my breasts. My knees buckled against the wall, but Michele held me up against the wall.

She continued to suck while I ran my hands through her long, beautifully dark hair. I breathed deeply, arching my back into Michele's face. My mind focused on her tongue scraping across my nipple and her cock, bobbing into my thigh. I reached forward now, underneath her working hands and found her breasts. I felt my hands sink into her flesh and even flipped my finger across her hard nipple. I'd never played with anyone else's breasts before, she felt so soft and so pure.