Sharing

I felt the dread of our impending departure rise up in my heart. "John, I know your decision, I honor it. I think you should talk about it, I want you to talk about it. What it means to you, what your fears are. "

"It's hard to do here, where we've made love, been in love. I'm afraid I'll be sad the rest of my life, that I won't be able to be the father my children deserve. I'm not sacrificing my life for them, I'm being a man and a father. I am, however, sacrificing your love and I hate myself for that. My wife? I never thought I'd have to choose again. I married her, loved her with all my heart. I changed. She changed. We share burdens, we share the joy of our children. It's so complicated and sometimes oppressive. I've had the blessing of this time with you, to feel simple and genuine, open and free. And I am grateful to you. You've been generous in every way with me, even knowing that a future together was, at best, unlikely. And yet you shared with me anyway. "

The phone rang. John picked it up. "Hello? Tim?" He handed the phone to me.

It was Tim. "Hello, John. Give the phone back to Dan. I want to talk to him."

"It's for you."

"Hello?"

"Dan, I've found some therapists near your home. I'll send you all the contact information in email, but I wanted to let you know it was coming. From what John tells me you've got your head together on things and you're a strong man. There will be times when that's not enough, when you have things you have to say that you dare not. Reach out for help. That's what therapy is for. It works. Don't try to guts it out. Use the help. You don't need to do this alone. And Dan? I'm here for you, too. Now go fuck that man I love. Bye."

"What did Tim want?"

"He's sending me contact info on some therapists and offered his own help. How did you find these guys? Knowing they're waiting for you is a comfort to me."

"We found each other, just like you and me."

Dan took me by the arm and led me to the bedroom. "Tim also gave me explicit instructions for the evening. You better lube up. I'm only following orders." He grinned and stripped off his clothes.

We were set to leave the next day. Our flight to Hawaii was booked and all other details of our week there had been arranged by Matt. In the morning we showered a last time in our Roman Bath and packed up our belongings. Dan kissed the bed in thanks for hosting us these past weeks. "Yum, it smells like you."

"I bet it smells like sex."

"Like I said, it smells like you." He winked.

Matt had even arranged a fairly secluded pair of seats in First Class for our flight to Hawaii. We held hands, kissing occasionally, sleeping some - we had been very active the night before.

Dan had become withdrawn during the long flight, the first leg of our journey not only to our respective homes, but to our 'real' lives.

"Dan? We've got a week left to be together. I want to make this the best it can be, for you and for me. Can you push the world away, just be with me."

He smiled at me. "Yes, I can. The world will get here soon enough. For as long as we can, yes, let's just be us two." He kissed me deeply, only stopping when the flight attendant clucked at us and informed us that we needed to prepare for landing.

***

We hustled along for the connecting flight to Kauai. On coming out of the airport, we were met by a chauffeur who took us to the northern side of the island. From the main road, we took an isolated drive that ended at a small, thatched bungalow. Inside was a single room, open at one side to a broad lanai. While not as deluxe as our suite in Singapore, the rustic Hawaiian simplicity was pleasing. The room was dominated by a large, comfortable-looking bed but also contained a seating area that spilled out onto the lanai and a small galley kitchen. The bathroom was simple, the shower was outside, secluded by plantings. The whole place was perfumed by flowers and sea air.

Our driver explained that meals would be brought in, though the kitchen and refrigerator were well stocked. He handed us an envelope, addressed to 'Dan and John" and took his leave. Only the sounds of the surf and birds could be heard.

I opened the envelope. Inside was a note.

Take this week to be with each other. All arrangements have been made.

Matt

"That explains a lot" Dan observed.

"Yes, it does" I replied, thinking of the hotel suite, the special package, and many small gestures by Matt.

"I guess we'll have to take his advice. How about a swim?"

"I don't have a clue where I packed my suit." Dan walked out on the lanai and looked up and down the beach beyond. "I'm thinking we don't really need them. It's like we're alone in the world, not a soul in sight."

"We don't want to sun burn anything important. Do you think there's some sun block around?" It took only a moment to find a large, carefully wrapped package near the bed. "This looks familiar." We opened it up, as we had in our hotel room. Inside, along with the almost obscene quantity of sex supplies was a range of tanning products.

Oddly, they were boldly marked as being non-toxic, suitable for human consumption, and flavored. "You look like Island Berry and Cocoanut to me" said Dan as he stripped off my clothes and began to rub in the lotion - all over. He stripped as well, rubbing his body against mine to apply a layer of lotion. I followed up with a finishing coat. We were both breathing heavily with desire. "Swim, fuck, or suck?"

"How about all three" Dan teased. He took me by the hand and led me across the beach to the ocean, stopping in the shallows to embrace me, dropping to his knees to engulf my cock in his mouth. "I just had to taste you. I like it unflavored, better, but this is a nice change."

We plunged into the gentle waves enjoying the cooling sensations, finding every way to touch each other. We frolicked like kids. After a while we came out to lie on the beach to enjoy the warm sun on our naked bodies. Dan took my hand again and led me back to the bungalow, to the shower, then to the bed. In this new place we found the fun of sex our last days in Singapore had lost to desperation.

The days passed in our lovemaking, walks along the beach, sharing the meals we found discretely left upon our doorstep. We fantasized about what our lives would be like were we to grow old together. We made these few days our lifetime together.

***

The morning came on our last day together. We had spent the entire night making love with the knowledge that we would likely never see each other again, seeking to plant in our hearts the love we had found with each other. We took a last swim on the beach, returning to find our ride to the airport waiting for us. We cleaned up quickly. The drive to the airport and short flight to Honolulu were made in silence. I held Dan's hand but feared looking him in the face. My next flight was to Chicago, his to Los Angeles. The gates were adjacent, so we had a last hour together.

"I'm not going to cry now. I'm going to keep these last days of joy in my mind." Dan tried to look calm.

I could feel my heart burning with grief, but also tried to put on a brave front. We talked about small things, things we'd enjoy about being at home. The hour passed and Dan's flight was called. My flight would board shortly thereafter. We embraced, I held him with all my strength. We kissed fully, as if alone in the world, ignoring the stares of the crowds around us. I watched as he exhaled, putting a show of control I knew he didn't have. He walked to the door, turning once with a look of longing, then was gone.

***

At that moment, a small, dry, cool hand grasped my own. I looked down to see an elderly lady. "He is very special to you, isn't he."

"Yes, he is my life."

"You're not going to see him again, are you?"

"No, no I'm not."

She nodded knowingly. "I'm here to say goodbye to my granddaughter. I'll probably not see her again, at least in this life. My own time is nearly done. Life does go on. There will be pain, and joy, but there will always be life. Take heart, dear. He loves you as you do him. That is clear to me. That's as great a gift as the world gives. You are blessed."

"Thank you." This lady's comfort touched my heart. "You are going to Chicago?"

"Yes, then connecting to another flight."

"Would you please sit next to me on the flight?" My desperation must have been plain.

"Of course, dear."

"I'm John. What should I call you?"

"I'm Grace, dear."

"Of course you are."

It was but a moment's effort for the First Class agent to upgrade her ticket and arrange the seating.

She was as excited as a child when I escorted her to the First Class cabin and helped her into the seat. "I've only flown a few times, and certainly never in this kind of luxury. Oh my."

Through the window I watched Dan's flight taxi away from the terminal, head to the runway, gain speed and take off. My emotions must have shown on my face. Grace grasped my hand. "I'm just a little nervous about flying" she lied.

"My mother died when I was a teen. By then she had given me all I've ever needed in life. I grieved at her passing, but I've not missed her - until now." My chest heaved, the tears came.

This tiny woman held me as best she could, comforting me. I heard the flight attendant offer drinks. "Do you have sherry? No? Then I'll have a double bourbon and he will too" indicating me. I had to smile through my tears.

"I'm sorry I'm such a mess."

"It's beautiful to see a grown man cry, though sad that his heart is breaking. It's a gift for me. I wondered how I would endure separating from my granddaughter. You arrived for me to care for." She placed a dry kiss on my cheek. "Now drink up. It'll do you good." We clinked glasses and I followed her lead, downing the bourbon. "Young man," she called to the flight attendant, "another round."

Between rounds, she patted my hand and began, "A broken heart, it never heals. You can let that destroy your life or you can embrace the pain as a tribute to the love you've lost. I think it adds dimension and strength to your heart, so when you love again, you have more to give. I know. I left my family when I was just a girl. They sent me to America to be safe. Then the war came. I never saw my mother or father, my older sister, or my grandparents again. Yes, my heart was broken. I understand some of what you've lost. But I had my Marty and our children and now their children. I've had a good life and that sad experience has allowed me to love all the more. So it will be with you. By the depth of your hurt, I know you must love, and you will, you will."

I don't know if it was due to the bourbon, her words of comfort, or her simple comforting presence, but I fell asleep. I dreamt of my time with Dan, saw his face, smelled his scent, felt the roughness of his morning beard, and was consumed again by our making love. I awoke to a gentle shaking of my shoulder.

"You've been dreaming and were talking in your sleep. I had to wake you. That must have been quite a dream." Grace spoke archly. I became aware of my very obvious erection.

"It was quite a dream" I admitted embarrassed, praying for my cock to subside. Grace placed a blanket over my lap and kissed me again on the cheek.

We landed at Chicago shortly thereafter. Grace sat with me at the gate until my flight boarded. "Take heart, dear. I won't say it will be alright. It won't. But you will live and you will love again. Keep his love with you." These her last words to me as we parted.

***

I don't remember the connecting flight home. I fell asleep before we took off and only awoke when the flight attendant shook after we had landed. I plodded through the terminal toward the exit.

There, at the end of the concourse, beyond the security barricade, were four smiling faces emitting lots of noise. "There he is. John, John!" My heart swelled. My lovers had come to meet me. I had to stop for a moment to take it all in. A shadow passed over me as I wondered what kind of reception Dan had received, praying that he had been so wonderfully received. I gathered my emotions and ran to my lovers. They embraced me and swept me to a waiting cab. We squeezed in and made the short drive to our apartment. Sean and Mark covered my silence with 'catch up' news. Tim kept his arm around my waist, never breaking contact.

We climbed the stairs and went through the door into our home. "It is so good to be here, to be with you guys. I've missed you, I really have." I couldn't talk any more.

"I'm glad you're home, John" said Sean as he kissed me.

"You've been missed every day" Brad said as he crushed me with a hug.

"We love you, I love you, I need you, John" was Mark's tearful response.

"And we're here for you, what ever you need" came Tim's reassurance.

"Oh guys..." my words dissolved into tears.

"If it hurts this much, it must have been wonderful." Tim again.

I gained some composure. "I thought I had found it, him. I know I did. But it wasn't to be." Tim led me to my room, gently removed my clothes, waited outside the bathroom while I washed up, then led me to the bed. He fluffed the pillows, lay me down, and got in next to me. His skin on mine was a comfort. Mark came in a while later, stripped and lay along my other side, doubling the comfort. Brad and Sean must have come in quietly in the night. It's the only time I can remember that we lay together all night just touching. I felt very loved.

I was aware in the morning that the bodies had rearranged. Brad and Mark were against me, Tim and Sean were returning to the bed.

Tim apologized for waking me, explaining that he and Sean just had to fuck after Brad and Mark had come back sweating, panting and smelling of sex. I thought to myself, 'life does go on, love will come again.'

Chapter Ten: Hurting Each Other

Reporter: I was unsatisfied with the tale. This group of men were truly loving, but I was not about to believe they were always devotedly concerned for each other and resolved every issue with such grace.

"So that was it? You find your true love, he goes back to his family. You come back to yours. And that's it?"

They looked around the room at each other, then refused to meet each other's gaze. There was more. The streak of anguish that passed over them was palpable. This group that had spent the entire interview sprawled on each other now separated each to his own space in postures of withdrawal. Whatever this was, its pain was still with them.

The silence bore down on us all until Tim began to speak softly, barely above a whisper.

Tim: Mark had gone on a visit to his family out West. I think a cousin was getting married or something. In any case he was not here and that made for another disruption in our group dynamic. I suppose we are too interdependent.

John had been back a few weeks from his trip, still showing signs of fatigue - physical, mental, and emotional. His professional success was making greater and greater demands on him. One evening he came home looking like hell. We all gathered around him to offer comfort. Sean quickly made a 'comfort food' meal. I helped him change into comfortable clothes. Brad began to massage his back. Then I got a hot bath ready. John gratefully accepted all our attentions.

John lay down face first on the bed. "Brad? Please fuck me. It seems like forever since I had that pleasure."

I remember the smile on Brad's face at this request. There was no doubt he loved John and wanted to satisfy him. With great gentleness and care he lay on John, continuing to massage his shoulders and arms, kissing him on the back. He applied a lot of lube to John's ass and his cock and continuing the gentleness, entered John. John's face registered great pleasure.

Brad continued his lovemaking until John caught his breath and then sighed deeply as he orgasmed. Brad stopped moving, and hugged John tightly. In a few moments, John's breathing slowed, he was asleep. "Sleep well, my lover" said Brad as he kissed John and slowly withdrew.

Seeing Brad and John making love had aroused Sean and me. All the while Brad was doing John, I had been giving Sean a rousting good fuck, filling him with a goodly load.

We all lay on the bed in a row, John asleep, then Brad mindlessly playing with his still unsatisfied cock, Sean with his ass warm and buzzing from our round, and me almost as done as John. Sean was clearly still randy. He reached over and began to stroke Brad's cock. Sean then turned his back toward Brad and snuggled against him, pulling Brad's cock toward his ass. I was half asleep having just cum, not paying much attention to the movements beside me.

I did hear Brad ask, "You sure you want to do this?"

"I'm so horny tonight Brad. I've already gotten two loads out of Tim. And I know you haven't cum. Let's do it."

Brad: I was way overcharged from fucking John and not getting to cum. I wanted to give John what he needed, that's always my goal, but hey, I'm a guy and I was missing getting off, too. I admit I wasn't in control, that I just wanted to get off and Sean offered his butt to me. He's a beautiful man, and I've always enjoyed seeing Tim and he make love. I really wanted him.

Sean: I was so horny, I wanted to be fucked. I wasn't in my right mind, but that's how it goes. I was always a little jealous of Mark and John, getting to fuck that big, luscious cock of Brad's. I thought maybe this time, I could open up and take it.

Brad rolled on his side and grabbed me by the hips. I helped him get his cock aligned with my hole and he began to pull me onto his cock. He was so hard. It hurt but I wanted it so badly, I pushed back onto him and he pushed in. There were flashes of pleasure as he filled me, but the strain of stretching was too great. Brad moved to his knees lifting me to doggy position. He was pushing hard when he hit the turning of my colon. I couldn't bear it and cried out. That movement must have opened me up more, Brad's cock rammed even further into me. I could hear my own voice shouting.

John: I must have been in a deep, deep sleep, but I heard Sean scream. I jumped up, still confused, but saw Brad on top of Sean. "What are you doing to him? Get off."

Brad had Sean fully impaled on his cock, fucking hard. I only saw some man hurting Sean. I grabbed the man and pulled him off, throwing him down on the bed. My hand was a fist, ready to hit him, I was ready to kill.

Brad: The moment Sean cried out, I tried to pull out, but my hands slipped on the sheets and I fell on top of him. I was scrambling to lift my weight off, when John grabbed me from behind and lifted me bodily into the air, dropping me onto the bed. He leapt on top of me and was ready to hit me. I covered my face, bracing for his strike.

Tim: I came fully awake with all the commotion. Sean was crying, John and Brad were fighting, really fighting. It was all I could do to hold John back from hitting Brad.

Sean: I couldn't speak. All I could feel was the pain in my ass. It hurt a lot when Brad had penetrated me, but when he suddenly yanked out, I thought it would kill me. I couldn't make sense of what I was seeing, though. Right beside me, John was hitting Brad, Tim was trying to hold John back. What was going on?

Tim: I screamed out, over and over, "John, stop it, stop it." He couldn't seem to hear me. Then Brad, who had taken several punches from John, reached up and pulled John to his chest and held him tight so he couldn't punch. "John what are you doing?" I asked the heaving form in front of me. John struggled in Brad's grasp. "You were hurting Sean, you were hurting Sean."