Sharing

"No, no, I didn't mean to, it was a mistake." Brad was desperate to explain.

Sean rolled over to grab one of John's arms. "He didn't mean to hurt me. I asked him to fuck me. I wanted to. I just couldn't. And then he fell onto me. He didn't mean it."

The fight drained out of John. He got off of Brad and walked out of the room, his head in his hands. I helped Sean into the bathroom to put warm compresses on his ass to help with the pain. No real damage had been done but it would take a few days for poor Sean's ass to recover. I left Sean in a warm tub of water.

When I came out of the bathroom, Brad lay on the bed weeping. "Everything's ruined. I ruined everything. It was so perfect. I was so happy. I love you guys. Now it's over." I reached out to touch his shoulder, but he turned away from me wretchedly.

I went into the greatroom to find John sitting on a chair, his head still in his hands, also crying. When he felt me near him, he looked up. "I'm so sorry, I went crazy. I heard Sean cry out in pain. I though Brad was hurting Sean. It doesn't make any sense now, but I saw someone hurting Sean and went nuts. Is Sean okay? Did I hurt Brad? Oh my god, I've ruined everything."

I think we each withdrew from each other that night, afraid to confront what we had done to each other. Each of us avoided contact with each other for days. I hid out at the university library as much as possible. I slept in the study. I felt awful, but didn't see how this could be fixed.

Poor Mark, he came home two days later to find all of us gone. He looked sick with worry when I came in later that night. He asked "What happened to you guys? You didn't answer the phone. You didn't return messages. No one has been here all evening. What's going on?"

I told him about how Brad had tried fucking Sean and how Sean was hurting and how John had woken up and started beating Brad and then I couldn't go on. I finally understood what I had been feeling, why I couldn't connect with my dearest friends, my lovers. I felt guilty for not stopping Brad, or at least helping Sean take him. I remembered how we had tried with John and that it never worked out. But I chose to stay in my own sexual daze and not help or protect my lovers. I could have stopped it, it was all my fault. Mark listened sympathetically, in silence. I retreated to the study to be alone.

Sean: When I came back from working, I found Mark sitting at the kitchen table, looking pretty bad. I kissed him and welcomed him home, but he knew something was up.

"Tim told me you had a bad time with Brad and John jumped him. How could that happen?"

I told him that I felt horrible for getting the whole thing started. Tim had already given me a real good time, but I was greedy. And you know what else, I wanted to take Brad, to show that I was as good a lover as, well as you, Mark. I wouldn't have admitted it to you or myself, but I was, am jealous of how you, and John, take that big cock and get so much pleasure out of it. So rather than enjoying Brad like I usually do, I set it up and then couldn't take it. Then John misunderstood and he's mad at Brad for doing it and me for scaring him. It's all just a big mess and I am afraid I'll never find anything like you guys, all you've done for me, and my life might as well be over. I went into the 'kennel' away from Mark. I couldn't bear to talk about it anymore.

Brad: I thought I had stayed out at the gym long enough to avoid seeing anyone awake, but when I came in, Mark, beautiful Mark, was sitting by the fire. He seemed upset, which he manages to do beautifully. I said a perfunctory 'hi' and 'welcome home', but my heart wasn't in it. He told me he had talked to Tim and Sean - separately. But he asked me, "What happened Brad? What they've said doesn't make any sense." I agreed it made no sense. I had hurt Sean, paid no regard for how anyone else might feel, I was just going for my nut. But as I said that, I knew there was more. Yes, Sean is a real babe, and as much fun as it is to watch Tim fuck everyone, I'm thinking, I've got a bigger dick, I should be the top fuck. Somewhere, deep inside, my ego was nagging at me. When the chance came, and Sean said he wanted it, I wanted it more than ever. But my ego shattered at Sean's first cry. I didn't mean to hurt him, at least when I came to my senses. But I had hurt him. And John, blessed John, he was only trying to protect Sean. I would have done the same thing. And now John is all messed up for hitting me. And everyone is avoiding me. Now you come home and its not home anymore. I fucked it all up for you, too. I'm so sorry.

I ran into the 'kennel' to be alone, but Sean was in there on the bed crying. Then I went into the study. Tim was there, so lost in thought he didn't even see me. So I went up to the roof, at least there I could be away from them, the ones I had hurt so much, the ones I couldn't bear to see.

John: I came home pissed. Pissed that the home we had built together had become a place I dreaded. A few days ago it had been my refuge from the world. Now, because of how I acted it wasn't my home anymore. I'm not a violent man. I've never been in a fight. I've never wanted to hurt anyone. But when I saw Brad on top of Sean, I saw red. I wanted to kill him. Why? Why? I asked myself that thousands of times.

I opened the door of the apartment to find Mark returned. Now I was pissed at myself for forgetting him, forgetting he would be coming back today. He looked like hell. "Bad flight?"

"What the hell have you guys been doing?" He was angry, frightened, worried and a lot more.

I suddenly wasn't pissed anymore. A wave of sadness overtook me. I took Mark into my arms and began to cry. At first he tried to sooth me, then he pushed me away. "What really happened? That's not you John. I know you. That's not who you are."

As I was explaining how worn out I was and scared awake by Sean's screams, I knew that wasn't the real reason. "I didn't know why before this minute, I'm jealous of Brad. He's the big stud, has his way with you, Mark and now he's getting Sean. Sure Sean tried it with me, but he couldn't do it with me. I got rejected. But Brad, he gets it. God how I hated them both at that moment. That tore my heart out. I'm supposed to protect you all and I hurt Sean and Brad. And I didn't trust Brad. He'll never be able to forgive me, I can't forgive me.

All this rage and hate in me. From being rejected - again - rejected by Dan. My mind was clear that Dan did the right thing. And my loving heart embraced our relationship, short as it was, but that hole in my heart left when Dan chose his family over me, that was, is raw. Why didn't he choose me? Why didn't he choose me? I hated myself and the whole world. If I was in pain, everyone must be in pain. I could see only my own suffering.

I am deeply ashamed, and sorry with all my heart.

Mark: I wasn't expecting a big homecoming, but I wasn't prepared to find my home torn apart and the four men I loved, who I depended on for my daily happiness, for my life, in the midst of crisis. They'd been at each other's throats and now couldn't bear to be in the same room as the others. And where had I been when they needed me? Off at some dumb wedding I didn't really want to go to. I could have said no. But it was easier to go along with my family's wishes. Now this mess. If I had been there, I could have handled Brad's needs, I would have wanted to. Instead, I had abandoned those I said I loved, made them less important. Yeah, they had all been assholes, but they were guys, acting like guys. I should have been there for them, but I wasn't.

***

I'm not sure when it happened, but Sean came back into the greatroom where I sat. He asked, "Have the others come in?" I answered yes, that Tim was in the study and John had gone to his room, and Brad was on the roof. I think it hit Tim and me at the same time, 'on the roof'.

"How long has he been up there?"

"I don't know, not long."

"Oh my god" Sean shouted. He called out loudly, as he ran to the roof stairs, "Brad, Brad, don't do it, don't do it."

I ran after Sean and heard John and Tim right behind me. I'm sure we all shared the same panic. Everyone was calling 'Brad, Brad'. We burst through the door and saw Brad near the edge of the roof, looking down. "Don't do it Brad, Don't do it." We all shouted as we ran toward him.

On hearing us coming, Brad turned toward us nonchalantly and simply said, "What?"

We ran over and embraced him and pulled him away from the edge. We held him and kissed him, all of us crying.

"You guys didn't think I was gonna...no you wouldn't think that, would ya? I was just seeing if I could see the ballpark from up here."

To this day, I don't know if he was lying or not, whether he was thinking of jumping or not, but I think it was the combination of our worry and his joke that broke the logjam of emotions. I knew I was stuck in my own guilt, blocking out how much I love these guys, being self indulgent and not loving them first. And when I saw Brad on that roof edge, all I could think about was him as part of our whole and that I needed him, just like I need John and Tim and Sean.

"What do you say guys?"

John: Yup, Mark you captured it. I'll always regret not trusting Brad enough to find out what was going on with Sean and reacting like a beast. You've helped me to separate my disappointment and anger from our relationship. But, as Mark says, I love you guys and hope you'll forgive me.

Sean: There's nothing to forgive. It was all a misunderstanding mixed up by us being humans, horribly flawed humans. But I know I am the best I've ever been with you guys.

Tim: And I'll never be a bystander again. I may be a pain in the ass - well perhaps a better simile would be appropriate - but I'm going to speak up and interfere whenever I think you're making a bad decision. You can straighten me out later - do I always speak in sexual innuendo? - but I'll interfere first. If I can prevent it, I will.

Brad: I hope I don't ever do anything so stupid again. I mean, I'd love to make love to you Sean, but it's got to work for both of us or I don't want it. I don't want my dick to risk my home, my loved ones. I'm sorry.

Mark: That night was special. We all stayed together. I think the others were just happy to be talking again, able to touch each other again. Me, I had spent six days with my family. I had to sleep in the same room as some much younger cousins, so I couldn't use my dildo, much less beat off. And this really cute flight attendant kept hitting on me all the way back on the plane. Then I got this very handsome cab driver at the airport. I walked in here ready to get humped. All I got was some major drama and a case of the guilts.

I enjoyed all the lovey dovey touchy feely making out, but it reached a point where I needed it. Timmy is always an easy score. He bones up in a heartbeat, so I grabbed him by the balls and went to town with my mouth on his dick. Good old reliable Timster. I got him humping me and started on John's dick and balls with my mouth at the same time. I guess none of these guys had cum for days, so John sprang to action. I thought Sean might want to finish off with Tim, so I pushed Tim that way, got on top of the now hard John and took Brad into my mouth. I was in heaven, a big dick in my ass and one in my mouth. Poor Brad was still kind of upset by all that happened, so I had to do some extra special loving on his cock to get him all revved up. I had been mercilessly pumping my ass on John and he soon came in buckets. I stayed astride John, pulled John's softening cock out and moved Brad around to take me from behind.

Brad: These guys saved me. I never thought I'd get hard again after that awful night. Now my lovers wanted me. The best part was it was almost like fucking both John and Mark at once. I got to touch and kiss them. Mark was so eager for it, and John touched me, held me. It was kind of confused, but a lot of fun. It was funny hearing Sean say to Tim, "Again? You already came up my butt twice."

Tim: You don't normally complain. And seeing the other three go at it, I got so excited.

The next day, we all took a long walk through the park, just talking out everything we had felt and promising to not let it get away from us again. I sure hope we can do that.

Chapter Eleven: What Comes Next?

Reporter: We all sat in silence, recovering from the heart wrenching story. I am struck by how forthrightly they shared this most intimate and painful event. I think it is a critical component of how these five gay men operate as a family, as partners, as lovers. They look at each other, touch each other with genuine affection. The pain they have felt on each other's behalf is still part of their lives, but more so is the love and caring, that is the foundation of their relationship.

"You've created much, you've survived much. What comes next?"

John: "We're coming to some important crossroads in our lives. Tim and Sean will be graduating from university. My business, blessedly, is becoming more demanding. Brad's plan to open his own gym is coming together. And while he hasn't said anything, at least to me, Mark has something happening inside him, ready to burst out."

"That was Brad this morning" Mark interjects. "And it did burst out about a ton of cum."

Brad cuffed Mark affectionately, then kissed him.

"That's not what I'm talking about."

Mark: "You're right, John. I've been having this feeling lately, like there's something I should be doing. I think it started that time we watched Tim's friend's baby. Does that make any sense?

Brad: I hate to break it to you, lover, but if you aren't pregnant by now, with all the stuff Tim, John and I have pumped into you, it ain't happening."

Mark: You joke, but I think that's it. I want a baby.

Tim: You would make a beautiful mother.

Mark: Ha ha, very funny.

John: Like I said, we're coming to some important crossroads. And as much as I don't want anything to change, I know it will change. For me, I want to be sure that I keep loving each one of you guys enough to help you with what you need to do next, even if that means giving you up.

Reporter: A tear falls down John's cheek. The other four men move to him and they embrace, expressing their unusual, though I hope not unique, bond of partners, lovers, family.